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Break-up Worthy Sex?

tonib

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Is bad sex enough to stop seeing a guy?

I been on three dates with this guy and I like him. He's cute & funny and we get along well so far. We had sex for the 1st time, and it was, well, awful. At least for me. He seem to really enjoy it. I was completely unsatisfied. I am not just talking bad; I would classify it as the worst sex I've ever had.

Part of me wants to end things now, before I get more emotionally involve. The other part thinks I should give him another try. I don't want to be shallow or make a quick decision. Sex is important in the relationship, but its not EVERYTHING.

I am unsure how to proceed. Thoughts?
 
W

wardell

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what made the sex bad? could it just be he is new to sex? maybe he just need you to show him how to be better. I'm a virgin, so I know when I do have sex, I know I will be bad at it but I would want the guy to tell me, in a nice way that he was not satisfied and together with work I would get better. but for me bad sex is not something to lose a guy over. think of all the fun you can have teaching him ways to satisfy you but this is something he and him need to talk about.
 

lhardwick69

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well --get to know him more---and do it few more times--maybe a lot of first time together jitters was into play--maybe he isn't as active as you are and needs to learn--not saying youre a slut its just some guys out there only do few things and not been with many guys--or you can be with one guy and do a lot of sex and learn what turns each other on--

sex isn't the only thing in a relationship--if it was a guy that was fun to be with and made me laugh id keep him..but that's just me
 

topdog

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The sex is bad, and that ain't good. But equally important is how can you work together to make it better. Because there will always be things that don't fit together in a relationship, but what makes it work is how you can cue off each other to come back in to synchronization. So give it another go knowing that you will have to (dirty) talk him through what you want.
 

Otage

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Can see you two together? Do you like him enough? With bad sex I fear your relationship hasn't got really good chances.

But with me not knowing what's wrong with the sex, maybe you should talk about it? And if you don't want to offend him, you can suggest him some things you wanna do, maybe take the lead, instead of straight confrontation?

And yes, sex isn't definetly all that matters. I've fallen for a guy just because of amazing sex, and didn't see he was complete waist of a human being because of that. But it's important for good relationship. Hope you can sort it out, and if it doesn't work out, well, there are more cute and funny guys out there;)
 

dragonscub

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Be optimistic, and try a few more times. See if you can show him what you need without many words (and vice versa). If he picks up on your cues, great: you have a chance of improving as time goes on. Some guys are slow starters, then become "hotter" as they get more comfortable with you. But if you are notably unsatisfied after ten more tries, things are unlikely to improve.

While its unrealistic to expect magical sex every time you bed down with a long-term partner, on average you should feel satisfied. You want the relationship to be a happy combination: good personality interaction and good sex. "Fantastic" sex by itself is fun, but a long-term partner needs a good personality as well: great sex with nothing else to back it up will go stale eventually. The sex shouldn't be dramatically better or worse than your affection for each other: ideally you want some balance, so any rough moments that come up in either dimension are compensated by the other.

If the sex continues to be unsatisfying, things will not go well. Some people do stay in relationships with bad sex, for financial or emotional reasons, but the compromise is stressful even if the guy is a millionaire you love with all your heart and soul. Your cock wants what it wants: if he's a lousy lay, resentments will build up and poison your affection. It isn't healthy for either of you. Knowing when to quit, and keep that good person in your life as a non-sexual friend, is a valuable skill.

Its been my experience that trying to "teach" a guy to be better in bed fails. Women may pull this off with hetero guys, but most gays will resent the suggestion that they don't satisfy you, no matter how lovingly you start that conversation. If the guy has a mature attitude, he'll genuinely try to be better: but usually it doesn't work. Good gay sex isn't just technique and acts, its the result of voodoo chemistry- an intuitive organic process you both fall into together without overthinking. That physical compatibility is either there from the start, or not. If you have it, even two virgins can become great lovers with each other. If you don't have it, no amount of technique or experimenting or teaching will help.
 

tonib

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The thought of having last night's experience 10 more times makes my stomach hurt.

I don't know how detailed I should be here in describing the bad sex. Here's being brutally honest at the risk of sounding shallow. I am a bottom and he is a top.

1) His penis was small and he kept apologizing for it. I am black and he is white. He kept going on and on about the black guys I must have been with and how big their dicks must have been. This is all happening while we are in my bed and have been making out for a bit. It made things very awkward. I felt the need to reassure him, but in truth, once we got going, I could barely feel him when he was inside me.

2) He would constantly change positions, even when I objected. We would just get a rhythm going, and BAM, we stop to change positions. He said it was because he didn't want to cum too soon. It simply frustrated me.

3) In between position changes, he kept jamming his fingers in me even after I told him I could feel his nails and they hurt.

There were other little things, but these three are what really made it so bad for me. I was so glad for him to cum so it could be over. It was clear that I didn't finish and he didn't ask about it. Normally I would say something about that, but this time I didn't care.

So now I am trying to weigh the 3 good dates I had with this guy against that sexually experience and decide what to do next...
 

topdog

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Thanks for the details. And seriously, the bad sex is the least of his problems.

  • He has self esteem issues that make him completely self-conscious during sex.
  • He ignored your feelings about the positions to make it better for himself.
  • He was totally tone deaf about hurting you with his fingers after you made him aware of it.

This guy needs major sex therapy in addition to some regular therapy.

Do you see any of this coming out in your regular interactions with him?
 

tonib

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Actually, he's pretty confident and outspoken outside of the bedroom. It's one of the things I find attractive in him. I admit it was a bit of a shock to have him do a 180 with his self esteem once we were becoming intimate.

Outside of the bedroom, I would actually describe him as polite and kind. He seemed considerate. Maybe he was trying to overcompensate? I don't know.

I think part of my confusion as to how to move forward is because it seems like I have two different people: one guy outside the bedroom whom I like and another in the bedroom that can take a hike.
 

lhardwick69

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back to original question --work with him if you like him or even love him for his sense of humor and so on then help work it out and don't tell him he was lousy it will either make him feel like hmm will I be better this time or maybe he will say me it was you that didn't know what you were doing--and then its over-


if don't want to work it out with him send him my way we can laugh giggle have good times and have bad sex together--because I think guys watch too much porn to think hmmm I am good because I watched this and do it same way they do it--trust me it doesn't work that way--

as I said hem may thought you were lousy as well just said you were awesome to keep from hurting your feelings don't hurt his feelings to feel inferior
 

dragonscub

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tonib, you aren't shallow: the things you describe would be quite unpleasant or painful to anyone. It sounds like this guy has some personal-sexual issues he needs to work on before he can even be a good one night stand, never mind long-term partner.

Don't know where you live, but I can tell you in large cities like New York we encounter this same exact type of mismatch, along with many other guys of all races with their own issues. Just like the straight population, we gays have our share of cliche guys with cliche hangups. And yes, your guy is a walking cliche: the insecure, clumsy black top with "only" an average cock and no real clue about sex, who fears the "black porn god" expectations of white boys. He's attracted to other races (as many of us are) but has deep insecurities that prevent him handling the "baggage" of that attraction in a lighthearted, sexually fun way. That isn't just a race thing, it happens in all sorts of "opposites attract" scenarios: the physical or personality difference is intensely attractive in some respects, but also challenging to deal with if it triggers guilt or insecurity.

Whether it is worth trying to help such guys work thru those issues in hopes you'll develop something special, depends a lot on where you are in your own life. If you're young, it probably isn't worth the effort: you have time to meet and date lots of other men who may be a better fit for you. Wasting precious youth on guys who probably can't be "fixed" is something you might deeply regret later in life. If you're older, you may or may not be more interested or capable of dealing with these issues. Either way, understand people don't generally change: they are who they are. If he was in current, active therapy, and cognizant he has things he needs help with, there might be a chance. Otherwise, probably not.

Don't make the mistake of holding on to an unsatisfactory lover just because he's available. All bottoms go thru periods where it seems there aren't any tops around, so they'll cling to any guy who'll top them. It is better to be alone, or jerk off with other bottoms, than stay with a terrible top (and there are lots of terrible tops in the world). Whining to you about his insecurities in bed is tacky but forgivable. The other behavior (ignoring your position comfort for his own, jabbing his fingers in you with no regard for injury) are big red flags that you should walk away from. That level of selfishness is not likely to change, and borders on abuse: he's a born and bred lousy top.

Unless you live in a very small town with very limited opportunities to meet other people, you'd likely be better off moving on. Personality issues can sometimes be dealt with, but a sexual attitude this shitty would be very hard to overcome. Being sexually inept is one thing, being hostile and negligent is another.
 
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jaykaytooooo

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Haha....small penis, i met a guy once and this was a major problem and it was super awkward as I can relate. I took the coward way out.....didnt return his calls.
 
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