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topdog

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I'm sorry but none of that is helping. If he really didn't love me then I must be a complete fool to spend 4 years with him.

Your heart is broken and the solid ground on which you were standing is now breaking apart and nothing makes sense. The wound is open and hurts like a sonofabitch.

I know.

We have all lain in bed staring at the ceiling wondering how something so precious turned to nothing. We've all turned our head to sob in the pillow just wishing we could fly away to anywhere but here.

The pain of disloyalty - of someone who promised to be there to comfort and protect who instead turns away and abandons instead - is sharper than a murderer's knife. I think we have all felt it. We weep to think of you going through it.

But...

... on the other hand, having come through it we know we cannot and should not spare you this path because it is also the way ahead to your new life where you are stronger and able to navigate on your own, and give love to someone new.

That information doesn't help you much now. But you are already getting stronger. Yesterday you were afraid to confront, and just a few hours ago you were in denial. Not anymore. You are now brave enough to let yourself feel the full impact of the blow. It's awful, but it is also the choice of a man with the courage to face the storm.

Now - you need your friends and family. Reach out to them. Call someone and make plans to go out - see a movie; get something to eat; have a drink; talk a bit. Take a drive into the country and find a path to walk. Ever think of getting a pet? Now may be a good time to take on an animal companion.

You can't make the pain go away, but you can make sure you take one small step forward every day. Fight isolation. Plan a new future.

And keep talking here. We want to support you. And so do your real-life friends, so don't cut them out of the process, either. Wishing you peace with the past, acceptance of the present, and hope for the future. - TC
 

Turtle2345

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As much as it pains me to say it. I don't have any friends.

I have always found it difficult to make friends from being bullied in school and in college having people who wanted me to go out getting drunk and stuff so I just tossed them to the side.
 

topdog

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As much as it pains me to say it. I don't have any friends...

... today. You don't have friends today - so that is your starting place.

Here is the issue you need to fix - isolation keeps you miserable and makes it hard to get well. So, given that, what can you do? Do you have family? Even if you are not close, most family will at least want to provide some comfort and support at times like this. Do you have work colleagues? Maybe suggest some go out for lunch or for an after work drink? Anything that makes you less alone is a good thing.

What ideas do you have? What about groups that share your interests? Photography? Music? Hiking? Porn? Oh, wait, you found that group already! ;)

Besides friends, the other thing to try to do is just nice things for yourself. Walking and hiking is good. Buy a book you have been meaning to read and get lost in it.

Like to travel? Even if it is just exploring a historic building the next town over, or visiting that gallery you always meant to check out. Music? Go to a local concert or coffee house. Somebody somewhere will be singing about a broken heart and you will feel right at home.

Off topic - last night at a little LA club called The Troubadour Stevie Nicks and Harry Styles did a song for you - Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide". Very appropriate.
 
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Turtle2345

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I have two annoying younger brothers and my dad has been keeping me going today with this and I've been able to talk to him about my boyfriend so that has certainly helped. And I have to say thank you to all of you on here as well you have been brilliant and I hope you will stick with me through this because well I still don't know how I feel at the moment I'm just slowly plodding along and trying to keep my mind occupied so when I get home from my dads I think I'll just spend the evening on cities: skylines because that keeps my mind occupied and it's a game I enjoy a lot. Only problem is that my boyfriend introduced me to it.

My interests are computer gaming, cycling, computer programming. I also used to do a lot of modding for Euro Truck Simulator 2 so I guess I could go back to that. I also have a model railway which I've been meaning to upgrade for ages so that's another thing I could go back to.

Unfortunately porn isn't doing much for me at the moment it just reminds me of sex with my boyfriend and how he was so careful with it because of my past.
 

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Hey.

First of all :I am a 40 years old man, much into social relationships and stuff that would be just too complex to explain here, and maybe a touch out of the scope, but let's say that put all together, it builds up to what people would call "wisdom".
And English is a foreign language to me, so excuse some weird expressions that may come by.

Now, to your problem: I just went through your posts and some of the answers you received, and through them made my opinion.
Please do not believe it as true gold, it's only a partial point of view, based on experience and cross-indexing with other stories i heard and lived myself.
So just use what's below as a working hypothesis, and see where it leads you, even if i'll be positive in my sentences.

The way I see it, your boyfriend cared (and cares) about you, but may be finding you a bit oppressing.
You have no friends, no other people interest you and you do a quite isolated job that doesn't really improve your social skills.
So you just rested on this Relationship with him all along, and expected from it to be the main (only?) source of "reasons to live" in your life (i won't say happiness, assuming you may take pride in your job, but maybe the word could fit the description).

At some point, your BF decided to put his career forward, and this you couldn't accept.
So you made him some sort of act to try and bend his will to yours and hope that somehow he would say "ok, you are more important than my career, so i'll give up this (dream/wish/idea) to stay with you".

Well, let me say straight that seen from this part, it was a thad selfish.

You weren't expressing love, but desire to possess, which is actually quite common in couples where one put so much weight on the Relationship. No harsh feelings, here, not judging, just stating a common fact. We are all human.

And suddenly he needed some air!

So although he does love you (one doesn't stay with somebody 4 years just to fuck him, seriously! Physical attraction only last a few months, a year or two at most, but then if there really isn't anything else, the couple breaks apart), he was suffocating in that situation, and the fact that he had troubles answering your texts shows that he also wished for a different outcome.

But it was you or his mental safety, and he couldn't afford to lose that. If he does, you'll be both broken down for good in a few years.

Remember that in long-lasting couples the secret of success is to take care of the other - not in the way you want, but in the way he needs.

your (ex-)boyfriend needs to live a life where you are not most, if not all, of the equation. He needs independence, career, and other reasons to be happy than just you. That too isn't selfish, it's human.

So what to do now:

1) take a deep breath, and consider what's written above. If you do find that it may be right, go and see him, apologize to him for being such a asshole, and tell him to get the job he wants. Explain him what you understood and ask him to leave you a little time to mend yourself.

2) get out. Get some people to know. Not necessarily "friends", but people that you can talk to a level other than "please pass me the peanuts" in a bar. Get into society, and learn to be socially independent, too. 20 years isn't too late. Hell, even 40 isn't too late, as long as you are ready to take the bet and try it out. You can start with your workmate, asking them for a drink after work. You can try to find some associations that need help - often helping others helps you too.
You need to learn to stand by yourself, and get to be his equal. So far you were being his "groupie", and that's not good.

3) get yourself some objectives and achieve them. Chose easy things at first, like getting a working mission with some other people, or offering a coffee to a workmate just to have an informal chat, then try to find more items that will help you build your self-confidence.
I'm not going to make a list here, don't know much about you, so for this you may want to go talk to the counseillors you met previously. But for example, after a while you may want to try and participate to some contests, professionally or by hobby, aiming not at winning, but at making your best with all the strenght you have and can find.

4) find something that interests you, a field other than your job where you could have some fun and change your ideas whenever you feel stressed. May be art, or sports or reading.. whatever, as long as it eases you when needed and you can build some knowledge on it. Example, if you like to sing, go to karaokes regularly and train your voice, aiming at making it better. In short, learn to canalize your energy and concentration into something to get better at it. And chose items that can be shared with others, to be part of some groups (out of the net!)

5) practice some sport, regularly. Sounds off topic, but trust that no words are truer than "mens sana in corpore sano"

And finally the most important : Decide that you don't want to be a dead weight for your boyfriend anymore.
If you really love him, don't ever ask him to chose between you and something else - try instead to encourage him to push his future forward, and be ready to walk by his side if he needs help.
Tell him that you are going to do all these things - only if and when you are really decided to do it - and ask him if he wants you to keep him informed of your progress.

If he says "no", do not insist. Just say that when you'll feel healthier you will try and get in touch with him again.

It's a hard path that you will be walking on. Same as the one of an addicted that is deintoxicating.
And you will need to find strenght, every morning waking up and telling yourself that you want to do it. It gets easier with time if you really put yourself into it.

But in the end if you do keep at it, the reward will be there. I can't say what it will be, but there always is one.



If you don't see anything useful here, just ignore this post.
 
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Shelter

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Hi Tellcall - never before I've read something from you in one of the many threads here. - But what you have written here was magnificent.

And @Turtle2345 - you shoud read this post very careful and than act - take your own life in both of your hands and be yourself again and not only the friend of a lover. You are you - never forget that, don't give up yourself.

Words will not heal your hurting heart, but they can show yourself the new direction for your life. Accept the many suggestions here. Read them again and again. Go out - meet other people.

And a last word. Someone has written here "the time will heal all wounds" yes it will but he forget to say "but nevertheless there will be scars forever". But these scars everyone of us will get during his life, will let us grown up to real men.

I'll give you a big hug and I hope so much you will overcome this ordeal.
 

Turtle2345

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I'm sorry tellcall but like I said I don't really do going out and stuff I don't do drinking I'm a non-alcoholic person.

I'm not a sporty person either apart from doing karate on Monday evenings and you said about helping out at something well I help out at my local scout group on Tuesday evenings.

I'm sorry but I don't know what else to say.

As far as talking to him again goes. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I'm worried that if I push it any more then I will lose any chance of getting him back.
 

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We often assume that relationships should be for life. But no one who respects himself should stay in wrong relationship. We love, we break up, and we learn, and we do better next time.

We learn about ourselfs. Have you been negative about his actions? If one tries to own some one even against his family and friends, it may mean personal problems. Like low self-esteem, low self appreciation etc. And realizing about own short comings, bad thought patterns (shame, guilt, worrying), we can then trace the source, go threw them, and learn and improve.

You also learn about relationship. What went wrong, was there smth on the other guy, can you regodnize same problems as you did in your self etc. While we learn about ourselfs in relationship, we also at the same time learn about the other person and about the relationships in general.

It can be a long process. Me and my bf just broke up maybe three weeks a go. He immediatly got a new one. For some that works, but I don't wanna build on smoking ruins, cause it will brolly just burn down the new thing too. And to my suprise, this break-up was quite easy, just because I have learned so much about myself and life in general. I've been exstatic, but also some days sad and depressed. I don't fear those things, I deal with them. I process and accept them, go through the thoughts behind feelings. And sometimes I just let them go, cause there's nothing to do about them, so why get stuck with them. They will open later.

For example: I felt angry and didn't know why. I searched the emotion and realized that it was actually envy. Envy for what? For my ex and his new bf. Well, I didn't anymore wanna be with my ex (rarely) and I certainly didn't want his new guy. Did I want someone? I tried to imagine that, and came to conclusion that I'm not yet ready to trust yet(since my trust myself has suffered damage, I have to repair). So I was envy of the love; the feeling of being in love. In break ups ones chemistry wants touch more than ever. And if I just would get some one to give me love, I wouldn't love the person but the loving instead. And that's not what I want. So focused on loving myself, boosting self-esteem, becoming better me, being better to others. Basicly to love myself, so that I could accept that love when I get it from some one else. And that I would be better to give it. Give unconditional love when you feel the spark, and you will get lot back. You can't control love, but you can learn what controls you.

I could just keep on going.... BUT for some one this sounds like lifestyle crap, but I only focused on things I can relate to, things I can reflect. Before this break up I hadn't even noticed that I've always had a low self-esteem. I had hide it even from myself, which resulted in many bad manners, like cynicism, sometimes wallowing etc. Now I feel light, I can be more loving and understanding towards myself. I actually feel like I can finally accept myself, truly, and improve, and that I can do anything. Feelings come and go, but in the end they are just feelings. There is always some thing behind them, a thought.

You can fix things only if you communicate, be honest, take responsibility about yourself/the other/ the relationship. There is the loving face, and the independence face in relationship. In second one you seek more room aside from relationship, it becomes more deep and trusting and it allows more freedom. This is usually when things fail: the ideal of the beginning has gone, you know your faults, and you accept them and both of your individual goals too. I stop now, I hope there's even smth usefull in these words. I see I'm writing about myself...

But, you're not alone with the sorrows of the heart. Today I'm totally depressed, but full of hope for the future. Hugs to you, cause I really feel like I could use one too:big hug:
 

Turtle2345

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I'm sorry guys. I know I'm not being of much help here. Believe me when I say I appreciate all the advice that you are giving me but it's just not doing anything for me. I'm sorry.

I'm heartbroken. I'm destroyed. I'm devastated. I'm in tears. Im ruined.
 

tellcall

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just to add after your informations:

- i did understand you are not a socially active person and this doesn't appeal to you. What i'm telling you is that this is a mistake, and you need to correct it. Force yourself out, and create a social life, it can be just a small group of people, it can remain superficial, but you need to do it. Compare it to a chronic stunning pain, that makes you feel dizzy and unwilling to do things. You have to get rid of it before you realize how bad it was for you. self-isolation is the same thing.

- you don't need to drink alcohol to have a drink with people. I don't dring alcohol either, but there are orange juice, coffee, and plenty of other things. The point is to get with people and socialize, the drinking part is secondary.
And you want to be with people that have that little respect that is enough to say "sure, have something else" rather than "you must have it, it's the same for all". Fun with people, not about people, you know. If you don't know where to start, try to begin by organizing small parties for events at office, with Neighbors, and such (eg: bring a bottle of orange juice, cookies and glasses for a birthday at the office; organize a BBQ.. food is often a good start to go social).

- doesn't matter if you are "sporty". Just practice sport it because you need to, as take a pill because you need it, not because you like it. Once you get used to it, it will become an easy task, but at the beginning, doing some stuff 3x a week or more is surely a pain. And it has to be an activity that makes you sweat and have an effort, a real training. If you like karate, then try to train more frequently and get into competitions, albeit amateur ones.

- helping out at local scout is good, sure. But try to find something more engaging, and people that need real help : for example, go help at a place where they make food for the poor people, or one of those associations that help the sick. Get out of your current sphere.

- no need to say more, do not worry. But you do need to take yourself up to the challenge of changing life, if you want to make things better.

- understand that "losing a chance to get him back" means that you are still in a possessive mood. That is what made you lose him in the first place.
Try to understand and accept that he is free to go. Because in truth, he has always been, and being with you was a choice he made. He can make it again if you prove worthy.

Today your life is X% him, and x% your job and nothing else. To become the person he will be happy to be with, you need to transform this life of yours into x% him, x% job, X% lots of other satisfying and self-rewarding things. Note how this last is the biggest part. You can't reduce the other two, so you need to make this new part bigger to compensate. Hence, do plenty of stuff and do it really at your best.

- you shouldn't talk to him until you are ready to acknowledge all the things said above. If you aren't, no point in talking for other reasons (meaning, NO "please forgive me and come back")
I do apologize to be this straightforward, but it was an unwilling mistake from your part that created the situation - your dependant attachment to him that made you feel comfortable to the price of his discomfort.
You know, it's never easy. But acknowledging is the first step for healing and getting things forward. The next is changing life.

Again, just my 2 cts. Feel free not to follow me, it's just a friendly suggestion through a virtual account.
 

tellcall

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I'm sorry guys. I know I'm not being of much help here. Believe me when I say I appreciate all the advice that you are giving me but it's just not doing anything for me. I'm sorry.

I'm heartbroken. I'm destroyed. I'm devastated. I'm in tears. Im ruined.

Turtle, now, this last message of yours worries me. You are getting in a depressive and negative mood, and what good will this make to you?

You may not realize it, but in your mind you are hoping that being in a pitiful state may bring you back what you lost, because somebody (=him) will come and offer you consolation out of pity.

Well, it's the opposite! You are poisoning yourself and risk to have everyone stay away from you, for fear of making things worse. Humans are not all that brave.

Your situation is neither uncommon nor unsolvable. The solution you are trying looks easy but will bring only pain. The one you have been suggested looks (is) hard, but will solve the issue.

I can't tell you more, the key to unlock happiness is written above.

And like other unbrave people i will now vanish back, away in the shadows, because i fear you may escalate even further and start talking about actions that i can't interfere with, at this distance.

One last advice: take the first post i sent you to your father, since you already talked with him, and ask him to help you realize the things i wrote. He seems the right person.

good luck to you, but in truth it's really a question of wether or not you want things to change.
 

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Ok so what if I messaged a very old friend who I haven't talked to in a long time and asked them if they wanted to meet up at some point?

And as for sport like I said I used to do cycling haven't done it for the last few weeks though but could start it again. Would that help?

And I guess I could pop an email around work tomorrow and see if anybody wants to get a drink or bite to eat or something else but just hang out together I guess.
 
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topdog

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I'm sorry guys. I know I'm not being of much help here. Believe me when I say I appreciate all the advice that you are giving me but it's just not doing anything for me. I'm sorry. I'm heartbroken. I'm destroyed. I'm devastated. I'm in tears. I'm ruined.

There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. It is right where you should be.

The purpose of the advice is not to make you stop feeling those things, but to make sure they get you to the other side. Talking to someone like your dad or getting out of the house for a walk or a movie won't make the pain go away. But it will give you a bit of a shake and force a different perspective. The breaking still hurts, but what it means changes and in small steps you start to see what is beyond it.

Emailing an old friend and meeting with co-workers both sound like good ideas. Even just the planning for those things is a baby step in the right direction.
 
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Turtle2345

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So it's not a case of I have to go out with my work colleagues it's just that you want me doing something other than lieing on my bed waiting for him to text me like working on my model railway, going cycling, going karate, reading a book?
 

topdog

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Yes, but you don't want just one solution - you want to throw everything you have into this. Just to sum up what various people have said:

  • Fight isolation - it freezes you in your misery. Other people keep you stimulated, moving forward, and give you perspective. They will also give advice - some good, some not - but just the fact that they are there and that they care breaks up the old "I am alone and no one cares" messages from playing in your head.
  • Give yourself a break - Take some personal time with the things you mention. Especially things that make you active and/or relate with other people.
  • Exercise - Exercise releases chemicals in your body that make you feel better. It's like taking an anti-depressant, but cheaper and with only good side-effects.
  • Get back in touch with things you love and are interested in - these things tell you something about yourself. They may lead you to a next step forward.
  • Feel your feelings - don't run away from them. It's a crappy situation - you are supposed to feel bad about it. All the things above will give you other things to think about - but they are not there to blot out the bad feelings and make the go away. Fortunately you are not a drinker - but some people will turn to alcohol or drugs to make the feelings go away. That just postpones the pain.
 

Turtle2345

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Well as to whether im doing this correctly at the moment or not i have no idea but regardless of that at least im doing something.

So i contacted my very old friend and weve agreed to meet up on saturday and have a bit of a catch up. Also i remember somebody saying that my job is very isolating and doesnt involve much social interaction well i disagree because in my tean at least we do talk and joke around a lot. As to whether that counts or not i dont know but it keeps my mind off of my (ex maybe) boyfriend.

I also messaged one of my work colleagues who i used to be good friends with until he moved to a different department about meeting up at some point. He said hes busy this week but can do next week.

This morning i decided to start doing some exercises in the morning so did a few push-ups, sit-ups and squats. And i also did a meditation session because i still had a meditation app installed on my phone from when i was reccommended to do some meditation by one of the counsellors. Again not sure if this is exaxtly what you guys had in mind but in my mind at least i think at least im doing something.
 

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All the advice you have here is good stuff... essentially it boils down to the fact that currently you are hurting, and hurting big time, but sitting on your own starring at the wall or ceiling is not going to get you anywhere. You have to move on as best you can and see what the "new future" has to offer - but it won't come to you, you have to go to it. From what you wrote in your last post you have already started making those moves. And it may be a cliché but it is still true that all long journeys start with a single step, whether you walk a mile on the first day or just ten feet the important thing is to take that first step again the following day. As one of my favourite American comedian Steven Wright says " Everywhere is within walking distance.... if you have the time"
 

Otage

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Well as to whether im doing this correctly at the moment or not i have no idea but regardless of that at least im doing something.

So i contacted my very old friend and weve agreed to meet up on saturday and have a bit of a catch up. Also i remember somebody saying that my job is very isolating and doesnt involve much social interaction well i disagree because in my tean at least we do talk and joke around a lot. As to whether that counts or not i dont know but it keeps my mind off of my (ex maybe) boyfriend.

I also messaged one of my work colleagues who i used to be good friends with until he moved to a different department about meeting up at some point. He said hes busy this week but can do next week.

This morning i decided to start doing some exercises in the morning so did a few push-ups, sit-ups and squats. And i also did a meditation session because i still had a meditation app installed on my phone from when i was reccommended to do some meditation by one of the counsellors. Again not sure if this is exaxtly what you guys had in mind but in my mind at least i think at least im doing something.

Yes, excercise is very good! And building old bridges to people! From your post I see lot that resembles myself, and for me the greatest revelation was that I had bad self-esteem and I didn't value myself. I thought that love would fix everything. Instead my bad self-trust and pessimism did what it always does, it's like a profecy that you believe in deep inside, and fear, distrust that you could be happy and shame make it reality. I hid my own low self-esteem and other problems even from myself: they had been there since childhood, and as I child I learned how to deal with them in a bad way: Tough and confident on the outside, tormented on the inside. I distanced myself, didn't value myself, went cold on feelings etc.

Read about self-esteem, how to get it. Learn the thoughts behind your feelings, learn your bad thought patterns etc. There is a idea behind every feeling, and a source.

Learning about yourself and learning your positive sides, conguering the negative things, and starting appreciate yourself are the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. You are the only person who is with you all the time, it's time to be supportive friend to yourself, not some poisonous taunter.

And internet is full of good stuff, and it's easy to find the right ones to you. Those thoughts and noticions that you can relate to, that speak to you, research them and reflect. We all have our issues, even your ex, and it's sad to see old people full of lifelong bitterness and that are mean to everybody, people who have let all the bad things crumble their self-esteem, value, self-respect and hope. You can't be anybody expcept yourself. If you could the things from people you envy, you wouldn't be yourself anymore, and if happiness is related to being the best, the circle would be endless. Be the best you that you can be, and improve yourself in a kind way.

Start to learn about yourself, find out the things that are broken, repair them. You will get more confident and accepting, stronger, and you learn to deal with your negative thought patterns. See a psychologist? Or go on a journey by yourself. But don't forget the world around you, dreams, people, possibilities, nature. It might be lot more better place when you don't see only the negative through pessimistic eyes, loose the envy, the past burdens, accept yourself as part of it.
 
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Turtle2345

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Ive always had low self esteem. I dont know why though maybe its all linked to being bullied in school.

All the counsellors ive been to have all said that i have low self esteem but they've never given me the key to fixing it. They just say be nice to yourself, value yourself. But its not that easy.
 

Otage

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Google - How to repair low self-esteem. You can also try to for other emotions like - how to deal with guilt/shame etc. There is lot of crap, but everything that speaks to you, you can then think it on your own situation. Google - how to appreciate yourself more etc. Do it with your native language ofc. And yes, How to get rid of past, bad experiences etc.

Personally I discovered that I have as a child developed defences to deal with dads alcoholism and me being gay (which was not okay). I become very responsible, cold to emotions etc. I avoided things that could hurt my fragile inner self, even though I didn't realize it. Even when I was looking in mirror, thinking I look good, and I had some one who loved me, the doubt was always there. When I discovered the past feelings and patterns, and how to deal with them, I felt tremendous happiness, I felt light. And it really cave me trust to learn more and more about myself, and all that learning made me more confident. It cave me confidence that comes from inside, not the old confidence, when I always thought "will this look right, I hope I don't look like a fool" etc. Learning about myself actually cured fear of performing infront of class. I always looked chill, but inside I was terrified. I even skipped shcool often whore those. Now I enjoy them, and I can focus on giving good presentations, interacting with audience.

And it can be tricky. But go in small steps. Digest the new things you learn, write them down. You can then see a larger picture. Make a power list.
 
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