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Rigor Mortis.

Ioanna

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The demon of repetition. The horror of failed love again. I knew it would happen. It’s always the same. I am doomed to repeat the failure. But then he’s there again and it starts up. Loveliness itself. He will not go away. He is becoming anathema. Sweet nothings. So pretty. So colorful. If only you can get to the end of the chapter.

 

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I am often beset by nightmares. They are a repeating. The same disconnected architecture. I know I can’t get there from here. I try. I fail. I force myself to wake up. I have to dial a number but every time I make a mistake. I can’t get through the series without screwing up. I’ll never make it to the end. I can’t get there. I try again. And then repetition. Why go on? I go on.
 

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The air here is hard to breath. It is too thin. But the weight is tremendous. His thigh is against me. I blank out. Here is the oblivion at the end of each act of love. The Inevitable. Ever again.



 

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I say there is no such thing as the Will and Freedom is separation from all this Gothic stuff. But I am not the science-minded one and I too write large. Eros and the Light. Transcendence and not nature. Desire and not the will. Or have I seen a difference where there is none?
 

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The human body is the weirdest thing. And you must be that. It, with its peculiar odor, just lies there. Inside that mass, you think. That alien thing is God. And your thoughts are a match. Honey, you are engagingly queer. Strike the head and burn.

 

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Oh friends, I like that young man more than anyone else,
Because he is generous, yes, the finest fellow there is!
It is written in the Bible: "Seek and you will find!"
But fellows like him are more rare
Than non-existence itself!
 

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Do you believe in parallel worlds that you can just shunt your way over to? Just sidle up to? It’s you as someone else. Or else. Escape! A slob job. Sky goose. A noose. You are the ward of an awk.




 

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Another example is that of a boy looking in a mirror and seeing that he is beautiful. It’s a worrisome thing. He knows that that beauty and he are different and that it has only momentarily come over him. It will soon leave and he will be left bereft. One is not what one is. To believe otherwise is bad faith. The bare particular that one is, is other than the Form that the nexus of exemplification has forced upon you. Demonic faith is to deny the difference between the bare particular and the Form; it is nominalism.

 

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He is mad. My own madness draws me. Danger is rampant. Religion rolls around. The gods glare. God's descent is at home in us. I write in order to name that thing so I might control it. I will fence it around with tangled bands of syntax. I will gaze at it.
I have seen the madness race across his face. I want desperately to see it again … but why? I love all things of the gods. I am at home in the places of the gods.

 

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We are infinite. The Infinite is that which is equal to a proper subset. Half of infinity is still infinity. The boy is identical with the bow-curve of his brow, with the weight of his thigh, with the pink of his lips. Each of his parts is identical with the boy himself. Therefore, knowing the part is sufficient for knowing him. That is the power of the nexus of identity.

 

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Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st;
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.”


 

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Hard logic, hard analysis, hard phalloi, hard pushing. Heavy breathing, the heavy head, the inevitable conclusion. Blank. This is modern art.

 

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Consider the Fall of Satan in Milton. The many-storied Hell in Dante. The resurrection of Jesus and the end of the world in the Book of the Apocalypse. Does any of that exist outside of literature? Is it all mere fiction, even fairy tales? If so, what are we to think of things that exist, at least for now, in the literary text? Fantasy and play. Very entertaining. Scary as only a story can be. Those things are not nothing.

 

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Medusa and the Boy. Ordinary boys and girls, men and women, are neither Medusa nor the Boy. Those last two characters are out of either fable or Platonic Transcendence, take your pick. As a Platonist, I insist that the Forms exist and they are radically separate from the everyday. Others say they don’t really exist, but are, rather, imaginative phantoms. Either way they are not to be confused with the ordinary world we all live in. Except that so many of us do. We fall in love expecting to find perfection. And when it isn’t there, we complain. A category mistake was made.

 
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