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fear of sex

W

wardell

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I thought I had posted this once before but could not find it any were, so here goes

for those you who may not know I sill have my Vcard. the reason for this is, I wanted to wait for marriage/be-in-love. I wanted it to mean something but lately I just want sex but sex terrifies me. When I was younger I feared I had HIV or AIDS even though i had never been with any one (stupid I know) I got over that fear for a while but then I got a dildo and that fear came back. I talk to my dr. at the time and he told me I would be ok so now I can use toys without any worry now but with the way my mind works, I don't think I can ever be with anyone. I was on a hookup site and a guy wanted to get together for bj but I could not do it. the fear of disease and the possibility of of being hurt. I just could not go through with it. I know how to be safe. you tell some one were your going and the name of the person your with and I know the risk is low when it comes in blow jobs. but for me the risk is still high, because low means there is a small chance you can get it. I don't know how to get over this fear of sex. I want to be with someone so bad I get depressed over this because I fear I will never get to experience the joys of sex.
 

brmstn69

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I can relate somewhat to your fear of disease, as a teen I watched my mothers best friend slowly die from AIDs. I saw him age from 26 to 50 in just five years and waste away from a muscular 180 lbs to a frail 130 lbs. And it freaked me out big time. Even though I was far from a virgin, I abstained from sex for several years, which was such a waste because I was in my late teens to early twenties and at my sexual peak. But I educated myself about disease and safer sex and eventually got over it. And I've been trying to make up for lost time every since...

As for being afraid of "getting hurt", I've never worried about that too much. But then again, I was in the military, I've trained in Kenpo and Krav Maga, and I carry a gun (trained and certified, so don't judge me), but there are still other things you can do to help keep yourself safe.

For example, before you get into a strange car, use you phone to take a photo of his plates and email it to yourself "last seen with..."

Believe me when I tell you that one of the worst things that can happen to you is to discover at age 42 that you have a serious heart condition and can die at any moment and that you wasted the best years of your life being afraid to live...
 

roger1one

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It's hard sometimes, but maybe you need some professional help because you may have developed a phobia. It's not unusual to be afraid of disease, but your fears are crippling your life. You know, you could eat something in a restaurant and get food poisoning. You could go for a drive and get in a car accident. There is NOTHING in life without a risk, so 100% risk-free sex IS NOT POSSIBLE, and waiting for it is irrational. You wear a condom, you practice safer sex, you go on PREP. You live and you deal. And if by some misfortune you actually do catch something ... you STILL live and you STILL deal.

Why a virgin would believe he had HIV I don't know, and your one-time fear of a sex toy is also puzzling. A sex toy cannot give you a disease. I wonder if this fear is not masking something else. Were you instead afraid of being entered? Of the physical pain? Of the implied intimacy? Of pleasure? Of the passivity? And as for the fear that a hook-up will end in violence, well all sexual encounters entail some risk and caution is important, but again, it's the DEGREE to which you believe you are going to get "hurt" that matters. As gay boys growing up so many of us have problems with male-male friendships, we have shitty relationships with our dads, the people who do love us are often not really loving who we are but who we are pretending to be, and we can get harassed when we do show ourselves to the world. We don't get a hell of a lot of validation so we often feel less than powerful, and then we're told that gay men are weird and dangerous. Even when we're one of them, they still scare us. No wonder intimacy and trust are such problems for many so don't feel alone in this.

Do you get pleasure from masturbation? Well, that is one joy of sex. There are all kinds of sexual pleasures and joys and I'm sure you have already had some of them, so it's not like you are incapable, and therefor you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. What's important is that you don't let your life slip away and that you ACTIVELY work on your problem. You were after all afraid of toys but you got advice, you practiced and now the fear is gone. Fear will thrive on avoidance but will be destroyed when you confront it.

SUGGESTIONS: Maybe you should forget "hook-up" sites and try for something more like a dating site. You would probably have less fear and more trust if you could have a dinner and some actual conversation before the sex. Maybe you could try "easing" into it. I mean maybe start with phone sex, that is, sex with another human voice -- that's safe isn't it? Then maybe move-on to video chat sex with a visual and an aural component together -- that's still safe isn't it? Move on from there to a cozy masturbation session with you on one side of the room and he on another. That's still safe isn't it? These are still sexual experiences that can be fulfilling and may get you more used to being with someone else instead of alone. There are always going to be men "new to the scene" (or not so new) who are not ready for or do not want to have intercourse or oral sex so you should be able to find others who are interested in these kinds of activities. Slow steady exposure to your fear with increasing emotional or physical risk/intimacy should diminish the power of your fear over you.

I think you would also be less afraid of everyone else if you were more accepting and sure of yourself. I have read elsewhere that you have few if any friends. Nothing could be more important for your esteem than having others to support you, to cheer you up, to understand and encourage -- and to do the same for them. And I mean Gay friends -- like you. Isn't that what you're trying for with this post? Now you have to make it happen in real life. There are gay people everywhere, you just have to find them and talk to them in person. Use the power of the internet to find real friends WHERE YOU LIVE and go out and have some FUN. Develop some relationships that will continue past the ejaculation.

Thank you for sharing this problem here, it shows your desire to change and the bravery to do so. Although this board is anonymous you are ALREADY making yourself vulnerable and already trusting-in-others to help and understand. You have ALREADY taken a risk by posting your photo. You are ALREADY asserting the power of your sexuality and desires through your posts (I was surprisingly turned-on by the long-haired collection.) There are many wonderful, safe people in the world, and many of them will want to be your friend or have sex with you (or both!)

So remember that you're a beautiful, strong gay man and if you try something to get better and it doesn't work, you try something else. And if that doesn't work you try something else again. You don't stop trying. And if you don't have insurance to get help you find some way. You don't hope, you don't wish, you don't pray, you MAKE IT HAPPEN. YOU. No more depression. It's time for action. It's worth it. You're worth it.

Good luck. :big hug:
 
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jeansGuyOZ

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Maybe this is one case where a prostitute might be recommended? (Sorry, I can't stand the term "escort".)

Consider: you're not going to get hurt, beaten up, abducted or abused by a sex worker. You are not going to get any emotional involvement either, it's only going to be a physical experience, but maybe that's what you need - to actually have some sex, no risks and no strings attached. That way, if the time comes when you do get emotionally involved with someone, you will have an idea what the sex is probably going to be like.

I wouldn't mind betting that sex workers see quite a few clients who are clients for just this reason.
 

roger1one

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Maybe this is one case where a prostitute might be recommended? (Sorry, I can't stand the term "escort".)

Consider: you're not going to get hurt, beaten up, abducted or abused by a sex worker. You are not going to get any emotional involvement either, it's only going to be a physical experience, but maybe that's what you need - to actually have some sex, no risks and no strings attached. That way, if the time comes when you do get emotionally involved with someone, you will have an idea what the sex is probably going to be like.

I wouldn't mind betting that sex workers see quite a few clients who are clients for just this reason.

Since he's paying for it anyway, maybe a sex surrogate would be a better less threatening idea.:)
 

ILuv2rim

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i never thought about this until i talked to him last night--i have a friend thats 47 yrs old never had a dick in his ass before only thing he has had is his fingers and a collection of toys because the real thing scares him i tried to tell him its ok and tried to talk him into letting me do it but he wouldnt let me
 

jeansGuyOZ

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I have never paid for, or taken money for, sex. I must admit though that $25 for a blowjob sounds a good deal. Entry to our local gay sauna costs $25, and you are not even guaranteed of getting the sex you want when you go to the sauna. Of course that sauna entry is Aussie dollars, so about US$18.
 

dragonscub

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Apologies to everyone in advance, but here I go again with another of my l-o-n-g replies. After this, I'll take a break from GH for awhile before I suck all the oxygen out of the room (I couldn't be brief if my life depended on it). :eek:

dear wardell, this "fear of sex" theme ties in with others you have posted about depression and loneliness: we can't really break it off as a separate thing, because each affects the other. As several of us suggested in your other threads, you have too many intertwined issues to tackle everything head-on all at once. Start with baby steps toward resolving your current lack of social interaction with other people, then continue from there bit by bit. Definitely call a gay help hotline, ask about the best ways to meet new friends or potential sex partners in your specific location (they may know of "safe spaces" gays gather in that you have no clue about).

The hotline can also help calm your fears of disease. STDs are a concern for everybody, gay or straight, but you need to get a better handle on it. Yes, there is always some risk, but all of life is risk. The frustration of never getting laid can have just as terrible an impact on health (stress, eating disorders, blood pressure). Kissing, making out, mutual handjobs, and humping each other (frot) are nearly 100% safe, and plenty satisfying compared to no sex. Blowjobs are reasonably safe, actually MUCH safer today than for a straight man to go down on a woman. Rimming is what it is: it helps to know the person well enough to expect sufficient cleanliness. Anal bottoming is risky without condoms, much safer with.

You've implied that you live in a very homophobic part of the American deep south, and can't possibly afford to re-locate. This unfortunately does limit your ability to just walk out the door and go about your gay business, but you are not alone in that situation: thousands of gay men have had to figure out how to carve out a life for themselves in such environments. While it is usually best to move yourself to an urban gay-friendly city no matter what the cost, many choose not to leave hostile places for various reasons aside from affordability (wanting to stay near family or lifelong friends or a good job, finishing school, or they love the overall area despite the horrible people in it).

Unless you are literally living in a 60s-era remote rural "Brokeback Mountain" locale with a population less than 100 people spread out over 100 miles, there are definitely at least a few other gay men near you hiding in plain sight. The trick is learning how to find them and cultivate a few friendships, to relieve the scary feeling that you're utterly alone. This is something a good gay hotline should be able to help with, suggesting places in your area gay people frequent or which gay social apps/websites are most popular in your vicinity. Or at the very least, connect you with a professional for talk therapy. You seem to spend all your time in the echo chamber of your own mind, and that isn't healthy or helpful for anyone: our worst enemy is our own insecurities run amok. The best way to fight that is social interaction with other people with positive attitudes.

Gay sex is a highly-charged, very subjective topic that is tricky to discuss with "virgins" who feel they're getting too old to still be virgins. I've been there, my friend: the longer I remained "untouched" the more importance I attached to sex, until I tied myself into knots. Despite being born in relatively liberal New York City, I was raised in a very blue-collar, very homophobic section with zero gay visibility. When I was old enough to become aware of gay magazines, we were at the absolute peak of gay promiscuity (if you weren't taking ten cocks per night up your ass in 1981, you were considered a pathetic loser).

Being a hopeless romantic, I could not relate to this at all: I couldn't conceive of myself getting involved in random encounters. The heavily promiscuous, dominant gay culture of my era delayed my coming out to myself by several wasted years. But there was no internet then to level the playing field and indicate alternative ways of being gay: it seemed you were either an absolute utter cock slut or you were a nothing ("dating" didn't even exist according to "The Advocate" and other gay news outlets).

When I was 22 years old, I was fortunate enough to finally meet my first gay friend. He was an astonishing person to encounter in our backwards, practically redneck, stone-straight neighborhood: the most obviously gay, obviously femme man I had ever met (or would ever meet) in my lifetime. He couldn't possibly hide what he was if he tried: born with the face, figure, voice and bearing of a woman (but not attempting to be a woman- he wasn't drag or trans). He was originally from my neighborhood, but had left to become an actor in California: made appearances in several night time TV dramas, and been a popular daytime soap star for several years. But at 33, his career had begun to fade because he couldn't pass for straight anymore (in the '60s and '70s "femme" actors were still perceived by the female audience as sensitive or educated instead of gay, but by the 1980s machismo took over and "fag" started getting thrown at any actor who wasn't Stallone). So he was forced to come back home to live in an apt owned by his grandfather, near the store I worked in. Thats where we met.

At the time I was very gangly and geeky and petrified anyone would figure out I was (maybe) gay. I had a few old friends I'd known since grade school, but otherwise was ridiculously painfully shy and lonely (most people thought I was either autistic or snooty). For long stretches of time, I'd be the only clerk on duty in the appliance repair shop, and during one of those stretches this very obvious queen walked in. He had a broken VCR, one I recognized as a brand beyond repair. I advised him to trash it and buy a new one, otherwise my unscrupulous boss would charge $ to fix it over and over and never tell him the repairs were only temporary. The queen was very appreciative of my honesty, and took my advice.

After that he seemed to take note of the time the shop would be empty, and began coming in every day to hang out and talk for a couple of hours. He was so easy to chat with, so open and friendly and witty, and seemed to overlook my geeky exterior to connect with the person I was inside. In turn, I was shocked how quickly I took his obvious "femme" qualities in stride: instead of spooking me, I was in awe of his courage in not trying to hide or blend into the woodwork. Within a week or two, he very carefully but deliberately "outed" us both to each other by saying "Honey, we're on the verge of becoming real friends, and real friends don't pretend. I'm pretty sure you know what I am, but I have a feeling you're having trouble with who you are. Life is short: you can tell me, I promise I won't judge".

From that day forward we were best friends. He told me all about the variety of gay life, and his whole personal journey. I would watch, fascinated, as he got himself ready to go out to distant gay bars a couple nights each week, hoping to meet a long-term partner. I would never accompany him, because I had an irrational fear of gay bars as scary places where I might disappear.

About a year later, he turned to me one night and said "I wonder if we're missing an opportunity right under our noses. We get along so well in other ways, maybe we should see if it carries thru sex?" And that night was the first time I had any sexual contact with another person. It was an all-out disaster, because he was very experienced and I had no clue whatsoever what gay sex was about. I could see he was disappointed, but he did his best to re-assure me "nothing ventured, nothing gained" and that our friendship wouldn't change.

He patiently re-explained the concepts of "top" and "bottom," and said we weren't a good match because we were both clearly bottom-oriented. He apologized for misreading me and guessing I was probably a top, but it just wasn't clear until we bedded down and he wanted me to fuck him. I couldn't even get hard enough to try, and was mortified he'd think I didn't find him attractive or was rejecting him, because I honestly had no idea what was or wasn't happening or why. To his everlasting credit, he put aside his own disappointment to make sure I wasn't traumatized or unduly confused.

He told me a straight man can basically fuck any breathing woman at any time because they're hard-wired biologically to want it: the primitive urge to fuck pussy usually over-rides any thought process. But gay sexuality can get complicated by emotional/mental associations, with some men instinctively gravitating to top, some to bottom, and some being innately versatile. Those whose personality leans primarily toward bottom might not be able to get turned on enough by the idea of topping to succeed at it, so should probably not try unless or until a situation occurs where they do feel a strong natural urge to top.

While it was a shattering experience some ways, I did learn a lot from it, and it finally cleared the cobwebs out of my sexuality, helping me fully understand who the hell I actually was as a gay man. Tho ironically it did nothing to help me find sexual satisfaction, because I still had the problem of being mistakenly perceived as a top by other gays. This only got worse the following year, when I suddenly morphed from looking like a geeky straight guy to a somewhat intimidating straight "bear" (years before "bears" were a thing: at the time, most gays wouldn't be caught dead with facial hair- today, its the reverse). Everyone sneeringly assumed I was a leftover hippie from San Francisco, or worse- Charles Manson.

Anyway, our friendship did continue and deepen, until his untimely sudden death at age 40 from a brain tumor. His quality of life had been declining rapidly: after the first year back in town, when people were so shocked by his femme-ness they were incapable of reacting, the backlash started and he had to be very careful what streets he walked on and when. By 1986 the cult of "macho" became the dominant force in both gay and straight culture, and effeminate gays who couldn't "pass" (like my friend) were cruelly cast aside as "non-persons". He couldn't get a job, because he looked like a transsexual no matter how hard he tried to blend in as "male". Where he previously had no trouble hooking up, old friends would now shoo him away from them in bars, lest potential tricks think they were too "femme friendly". The very social, very comfortable man I met became a recluse on public assistance, never leaving his apartment again. Whenever I'm going thru a low period in my life, I remember his far more difficult struggles and how valiantly and gracefully he endured them- it inspires and motivates me still.

Which circles back to your topics: yes, living an authentic gay life in a hostile environment with little money can be very difficult, but others before you have suffered thru as much or worse and persevered- quite often transcending their circumstances. And yes, gay sex IS scary and confusing until you finally experience it for yourself and gain the opportunity to discover exactly what the hell you want and what your sexuality truly means to you. Until you connect physically with another man, you'll just be guessing and wondering and building the whole thing up into an ever-expanding mental block.

You can't solve every problem in life at once, but taking small steps toward achievable goals is empowering. Perhaps you could look up the old book "Joy Of Gay Sex"? It gave a fairly reasonable, realistic overview of how to prepare for your first time and what to expect. A sex worker or sex surrogate might indeed be of great help here, but you've mentioned financial problems. A quality session with a pro experienced in "virgin" issues could cost $300 or more. The guys offering $50 blowjobs are more suited to experienced gays already comfortable with random sex, who just want quick no-strings effortless release. You aren't at that comfort level yet.

Your first time might be wonderful, which would be great, but don't fear being disappointed: at the very least, you will learn something that will increase the chances of the second or third experience being MUCH better. If at all possible, you should probably try to have your first time with a guy who is experienced but low-key. Someone who isn't likely to insist on a particular sex act, but rather just go with the flow and understand your need to feel safe and discover what feels good for you.

You're more likely to find that type of guy on a "dating"- oriented app like Match. Answering a ping on Grind'r from a random guy looking for an immediate hookup would be a bad idea: you aren't mentally prepared yet or physically able to provide a specific sex act on-demand. Some guys on Grind'r are cool and laid back, but generally not: the app has been around long enough now that the novelty has worn off and its become a rather cold, transactiional commodity. Literally "Dial-A-Dick" - a guy is horny, wants to get laid within ten minutes, by a very specific type ("age 20-25, uncut cock at least 7" and ready to fuck me, no oral, goatee but no beard, small ears a plus, must have long toes"). Grind'r is not at all suitable for neophytes who don't even know what sex act they prefer yet: very few "patient teachers" frequent Grind'r these days.

Actual sex is nothing like porn. There isn't a rigid schedule or checklist (walk into the room, shake hands, grope each other, suck each other perfectly, rim each other, fuck each other seamlessly, both have equal orgasms). Most of us are good at some sex acts, less good at others, and need to meet partners who are compatible with those abilities or preferences. Sometimes its biology, sometimes its preference (i.e., I strongly identify as bottom and love to get fucked, but it rarely happens because penetrating my bony ass is like breaking into Fort Knox, and most tops have neither the patience nor a long enough cock. Eventually I just got comfortable being the top everyone wanted me to be anyway, and my sex life got a LOT easier ;)).

Blowjobs look easy in porn, but can be a total bitch to master in real life. Some guys are born cocksuckers, others need time to learn, others are never really great at it. Typical mouths can't open wide enough to take a large cock without teeth causing a problem: mastering the paradox of how to keep your teeth out of the way while maintaining pressure and suction takes practice (never mind deep throating: like taking a cock in your ass, you're either born with ability to do this or you need a very patient teacher). Rimming is love/hate act: you may prefer giving or receiving, both or neither.
Even a simple handjob has wide variability. Maybe your partner has the right grip, maybe not. Maybe his hands are soft that day, maybe rough, and you don't know which you like better yet. Then theres all the other stuff: subconscious (or overt) role playing, degree of involvement of other body parts and fetishes, all of which you learn by doing and becoming more aware of and comfortable with yourself.

Some guys are extremely lucky, and the first man they hook up with becomes a long term partner (this used to be very common at universities, less so now). But for most of us, its a numbers game: we need to keep putting ourselves out there, meeting new sex buddies, learning more about them and ourselves, until one day we "click" with a special someone who becomes a partner. Or, we realize we aren't cut out for the partner thing, but prefer more casual affairs or anonymous encounters. These are things you can only learn about from experience: maybe once you've been with a couple of guys sexually, it will help get you "unstuck" in other areas of life by giving unexpected fresh perspective.

As always, wishing you the best of luck. p:p
 
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dargelos

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Encyclopedic without being prolix, that''s an epic answer.

Certainly I agree that the sort of sex worker you need is the experienced kind who takes his time, that sort will be way out of your price range. A quickie from a cheap rent boy is best avoided until you get a bit of experience.
I think you can over prepare for the big day, if you build yourself up for something wonderful then you are going to feel let down when it turns out to be nothing special, as it often does. You can read all the books in the world about learning to swim but at some point you have to stop starring at the water and start getting wet.
At the end of the day you regret not doing the things you wished you had done far more than you regret doing the things that you wished you had'nt done.
 
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