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Daily Humor

Whisper

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In today's busy world, there just is not enough humor.

To keep our members smiling, if you have a funny joke or clip or story or even a cartoon to post, put it here.

Hopefully, coming here on a daily basis to find something new and funny will make everyone smile.
 
S

squiggle

Guest
Here's one which could be described as a 'sick' joke. For those whose first language is not English, the descriptive phrases all mean the same: to vomit.

Three men were discussing the night before when they had got totally trashed in a local bar.
The first said, "I was bad. I didn't even get out of the bar before I parked a custard. The barman was not pleased and banned me for a month."
The second said, " I got as far as my car, opened it and shot a tiger over the seats. Then I fell asleep in it. The wife was not happy and nearly killed me."
The third said, shaking his head wearily, "I got home. I don't know how and the next think I remember I was blowing chunks on the kitchen floor."
The other two commented that this didn't sound so bad.
"You don't understand," said the third sadly, "Chunks is my dog!"
 

taurus2904

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You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.


2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish and what bait was used to catch 'em.


3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" – five guys and two women stand up.


4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.


5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."


6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.


7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.


8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.


9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.


10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.


11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.


12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.


13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.


14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".


15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.


16. You know you’re in a Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear."


God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
 

mark_63

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Oh man that was awesome, it's too bad but I think some of it may be lost on our non American members and those who don't speak English because Google could never translate that well enough to cause the belly laugh it gave me!

Thanks!
 

ton

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Ok, most of us in this forum are probably not married, but here's a good one for those who are. It's a translation, so have mercy with me.

How the quarrel started
Went to the super market with her this morning. I suggested buying a cask of beer for $15. She said it's not worth it. We moved on, and later I saw that she put a cosmetic face lotion for $65 into the cart. I told her that the beer for only $15 would have helped me a lot more finding her beautiful than the lotion for $65. That's how the quarrel started.
 

raceymatt

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Hipsters

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, the number is obscure, you've probably never heard of it.
 

jeansGuyOZ

Smartarse from Down Under
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Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two could do it. But it would have to be a pretty big lightbulb, and you would have to ask how they got inside it in the first place.
 

jaxfltop

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How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

that's not funny.
 

jeansGuyOZ

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This joke was posted on another forum, and I have cut-and-pasted it almost work for word:

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his todger, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do todgers," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...






...follow the yellow prick toad
 
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Olorin

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My wife left me cos she said im a complusive liar...

Ill miss her, but not as much as she will miss my 17" cock
 

Tjerk12

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The quiz master asks a candidate: from which material consists a glass eye? The candidate is puzzled: I should know this, but sorry sir! GLASS! O.m.g. how stupid, of course, you must be able to look through it.
 

rs18550

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What did one butt check say to the other?

"Together we can stop this shit".
 

playfulxx

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One burp said to the other burp...

"Lets be real stinkers and come out the other end".
 

jeansGuyOZ

Smartarse from Down Under
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Q: Farmer Brown has eight horses and 30 cows. How many horses does he have if you call the cows horses?










A: Eight. Calling a cow a horse doesn't make it a horse.
 

LPfan

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Oh you lightweights. Lol.
Everyone likes a sick or disturbing joke. Here's my contribution.


Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
 
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