I ruined everything

Well I guess that's another thing that I need to fix.

I was bullied in school-- especially in middle school when go to school got shoved into lockers pushed around called a fag--and I didn't know what a fag was--I know its silly buti just heard of the queen word

in gym class few of the guys would catch the teacher no looking and flash their cocks at me saying wanna suck this and one time got knocked to the floor where one would squat quickly pulled his shorts down put his hole at my nose and say here wanna lick my hole ..I learned weeks later why they were doing this but still didn't give them the right to bully me --especially since I did get to taste his hole once he decided to quit bullying me---

I think he quit bullying me when on my way home one day from school a older guy from the high school catches me walking through woods--I went to school with his brother--he starts saying you little faggot you like sucking dick and getting it in the ass--do you--I didn't say a word..

he takes his dick out of his mouth shoves it in mymouth tells me don't fight it or youll regret it--and I didn't fight it I just let him fuck mymouth..he grabs my hair pulls me up turned me around and tells me by time he gets done with me I wont want another mand cock in my ass pulls my pants down and I felt head of his dick begin to penetrate--then I heard his name mentioned he starts saying nothing going on here man just fucking with him scare him straight----I heard the other guy say bullshit and the guy that was bullying me--or should I say getting ready to rape me-hits the ground-- the other guy gets on top of him starts busting him in the face--
I pulled my pants back up went to run away and it was then I saw him-the guy that saved me--was the guy that squatted down in class and showed me his hole asking me if I wanted to taste it--I didn't know what to think..he gets up off the guy and walks toward me and says you ok I was like yeah--he puts his arm on my shoulder and says joking around is one thing but what he was about to do was wrong..i said thanks
and we walked away from the guy and he made sure got home

next day at school there was talk about how he was in trouble for attacking the guy saying it was unprovoked so I had to tell the principal what happened and after that the guy wasn't seen again.. and few days later the guy that saved my ass from being raped comes up to me at my locker and says thanks and tells me how come he teased me picked on me was because others did it but no more--and that I didn't have to worry about them bullying me anymore--

and I didn't--matter of fact they actually became my friends and apologized for how they acted-- and 1 of them being the brother of the one that assaulted meapologized for his actions and his brothers actions--

did he pick on me anymore--nope--in fact he only picked on me because the others did andhow come they picked on me was because in the woods one day after school weeks before it all started me and a friend of mine were in the woods skipping class to talk and scope each other out and one of them was in the woods we didn't se there and so he tells his friends and that's how it all started-- andfew things happened between us and another one that cant say here--but it was a few good times hehe..


I have low self esteem for years but I learned to cope with it and by time high school rolled around I wasn't like out but when people picked on me I picked back-


healing your self esteem begins within yourself--you need to be happy with yourself before your self esteem will improve-- you can im me or pm me if like and lets talk there maybe you be more likely to chat more openly--I am not judgemnetal I just know my past that even though few things did was fun but I wasn't always happy with things done andits hard to pick yourself up but you need to

Turtle2345 said:

Well I guess that's another thing that I need to fix.

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And don't take stress about it. It's a process, and there is no hurry. And as your relationship has just ended, emotion are a rollercoaster, and some days doing anything may feel impossible. But improving your self-esteem slowly helps you do all the other things, it gives you strength, it makes it easier to cope with feelings and teaches you how to deal with them.

The low self-esteem and self-appreciation makes you easilly feel like worthless, useless, hopeless etc. when bad emotion comes. Wollowing in them and rolling in guilt and shame, feeling like there is nothing good a head for you, cause you feel like you can't have it because of what you are. Then comes envy of others happiness, then bitterness, and that cycle will continue.

Improving your self-esteem actually helps you to be more you, appreciate yourself more, value yourself more, and gives gourage and joy to do and find those things you really want. Give yourself comfort like a good friend would or a loving mother, don't be too hard on yourself. Break-up is always time for learning about self, about the other, and about relationships and life in general.

Last time I broke up, I was devastated. The saddness and depression lasted for half a year, and all I did was either angry, sad, depressed, or when I thought I was happy, I just pushed all the feelings a side and went cold. And now of course I feel sad about my recent break-up, but I can cope with the saddness, deal with it, and I can still see all the good, and appreciate myself. It doesn't crush me anymore, and I can also be logigal about feelings, find the thought befind them, and accept them and let them go. I can feel sadness, but still be quite happy. And above all, my heart is full of hope for the future. It didn't work for us, but next time I'm more me than ever, and there is so many good qualities and happiness in me to love, and I can give love more too.

And you are very young and it's a though lesson, but so rewarding if you are willing to learn. If I just could have learned these things when I was younger... but dealing with useless regret, letting go of the useless burden is the key when lookinng in to the future with hopefullnes.

Well once again today i started with doing some push-ups, sit-ups and squats again and i also did another meditation session.

I was reading online about ways to improve your self esteem and one suggestion that was to at the end of each day write down e things that you can appreciate about yourself. So i did that last night and will do it again tonight after scouts.

Im also feeling a lot better today because yesterday in work i just felt like i wanted to go away and leave so i ended up putting my headphines in and listening to music but today im not doing that and im feeling a lot better.

I dont know how im gonna cope tomorrow night though because i have nothing that i have to do after work so i might go for a bike ride but what am i going to do after that. I dont know.

I know its wrong for me to feel like this but im really missing him so much and im so tempted to text him. But then i remember hes the one who told me to leave. But i still miss him.

But at the same time i also hate him. I hate him for leaving me and making me go through all this pain. For making me feel alk alone and scared. And making me scared of sex again. This is horrible.

The emotions will go up and down. Hate is also accepted, it helps us to take the distance needed.

And the missing, yes it too is expected. All the good things comes to mind, and during break-up our physique would like to have affection and closeness more than ever, and what would be better that the old familiar person. But remember also the bad things, the reasons for break up. Do you miss the loving or the person? Why you miss him? Search those feelings.

Personally I miss the all the silly talking, all those cute little things, but then I remember that I don't wanna be with that person anymore, it was quite miserable for a long time, and I waisted time hoping, choosing the familiar hell over the unknown. Now I welcome the unknown, and all the good it has to offer. Ofc things don't just happen because one is hopefull, but trying is easier when failures don't feel devastating.

What do you mean by do i miss the loving or the person?

Turtle2345 said:

What do you mean by do i miss the loving or the person?

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That do you miss the feeling of being in love, or do you miss the person. There is a big difference. For many relationships seem to be just performing, that happens outside of them selfs, like dating, having fun, cuddling and snugling, looking good together, but when the everyday life strucks and the "excitement" and "thrills" settle down, and its time to really start to get to know each other, people flee to seek out new thrills, since they think the love is dead.

Love should focus to the other person, into his "soul". It's the link between you two, but it's not smth can be seen outside by different acts of performing only.

Well its been over three weeks since i last saw him and we usually see each other every two weeks and the pain of not being able to text him just makes the pain of not being able to cuddle him for so long worse.

I miss holding his hand, cuddling him, kissing him even just on the cheek just feeling that little peck. But mostly i just miss knowing that he is there for me, protecting me.

Before I was always able to look forward to being able to be with him again because I knew that soon I would be but now I can't look forward it because it's most likely not gonna happen. There's a small chance I might see him again but I most likely won't.

well it sucks youre going through this --a lot of us been thorough it ourselves but I don't dwell on things like that sure it sucks and need start over but at least I'm still alive able to breathe on my own walk rub and live life best I can --theres so many people out there cant walk dead or dying or have it worse than I do--so I appreciate what I do have and feel sorry for those who don't have it as easy

What should i be telling myself?

At the moment i keep telling myself that if i dont text him and give him space and time then he will text me back but i dont know if this is what i should be telling myself?

I cant stop myself from telling myself it because i still love him.

If life will give you lemons, make lemonade!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont understand

Shelter said:

If life will give you lemons, make lemonade!!!!!!!!!!!

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Turtle2345 said:

I dont understand

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There's nothing like cold, tasty lemonade on a hot day! Here are instructions on how to make homemade lemonade, all by yourself!

* Find a large pitcher.
* Squeeze some lemons to make lemon juice.
* Pour the lemon juice into the pitcher.
* Add in some cold water.
* Add in the sugar.
* Stir the lemonade and taste.
* Put the lemonade into the refrigerator.
* Serve the lemonade over ice.

:cheers:

if he just ups and tells you to leave out of the blue especially after a argument-- then its over--if its weeks since he messaged you but you messaged him and no reply-- then he is either blocking your messages or just not reading them--
you don't need to tell yourself anything your mind already knows you just wont admit to yourself its over-- and you need to admit to yourself its over or the more you dwell on it the more likely you will do something stupid in the process

haiducii said:

There's nothing like cold, tasty lemonade on a hot day! Here are instructions on how to make homemade lemonade, all by yourself!

* Find a large pitcher.
* Squeeze some lemons to make lemon juice.
* Pour the lemon juice into the pitcher.
* Add in some cold water.
* Add in the sugar.
* Stir the lemonade and taste.
* Put the lemonade into the refrigerator.
* Serve the lemonade over ice.

:cheers:

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Thank you for your kind interpretation. :duh:

The last time we talked was saturday and he is not not repling to my texts. I just havent texted him because i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes.

I dont know if i should text him and tell him that ive been trying to lessen my deoendance on him and get on with life without him and increase my self esteem and see what his response is or not?

haiducii said:

There's nothing like cold, tasty lemonade on a hot day!


:cheers:

Click to expand...

Well there is one alternative ( as I posted before)

Shelter said:

If life will give you lemons, make lemonade!!!!!!!!!!!

Click to expand...

In other words: Look to the positive regarding what life has in store

Turtle2345 said:

The last time we talked was saturday and he is not not repling to my texts. I just havent texted him because i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes.

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Since you don't live together, I don't know what it means that he wants you to "leave". How can you leave - you aren't there with him.

You have been together for four years. A break-up, if that's what this is, requires negotiation. You need to know exactly what he wants and expects. Guessing won't cut it.

Rather than text, an email might be better. Let him know you are ready to respect his request for space and a life apart, but you need to know exactly what the boundaries are - since, obviously, they have changed.

You need another discussion.

Of course if he absolutely refuses to communicate, then I would take that as a complete break up, but even then, you should put in writing what you are taking that to mean and send it to him - just so there is no misunderstanding.

Well i texted him again and he said that he still loves me and i still have a place in his heart. I asked him if we still love eachother then why cant we have a relationshilp and he said because hes not happy in the relationship. I asked him "why arent you happy? What can i do to make you happy?" He said "this isnt being undone, you said in your long text that youll succeed no matter what happens, prove it, make me believe that". The long text i sent him is below:
Whether you respond to this message at all or not is out of my control but at the very least please read it at some point. I know that i have been a shit boyfriend and i am sorry for that. I now know that i cannot control what you do. If you want to get a new job then i cant and shouldnt stop you. I also now know that i should support you in everything you do im sorry for not doing that before. This is hurting so much but i know that i have no choice in it and some how i have to keep getting through every day. I will succeed and i will keep succeeding because i know that eventually i will have a great life whether that is with you or not i dont know. Im not gonna ask you to come back because you already know that i want you to. Instead im just going to say that i love you even if you dont love me anymore. I dont know what else to say so i will just say that i hope you find happiness in whatever direction you decide to go. Ill never forget you.

I dint understand why he wants the relationship to end if he still loves me and how can i move on if he still loves me?