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Self-Loathing in my 20's

garwin

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Thank you for the invitation to share.
Years ago, I wrote this out of the pain of my own internalized homophobia. I'm no longer ashamed to be gay, but the feelings were very intense then. So, for the younger people out there who may be experiencing these dark feelings, they will pass with time and struggle. It's worth the struggle!

Nameless faces in stranger places
So many untold dark disgraces
Fill my veins with seething self-hatred
Seal my life so markedly ill-fated.

All-consuming vicious night-visions
Mock the day-life's indecisions
Cliff's-edge pursuits and endless fallings
Anticipate my night-time crawlings.

So upon this timeless treadmill turning
For contented days and restful nights still yearning
I grow old and, never gaining ground,
Fear the happiness I seek will not be found.

garwin
 
S

Snome

Guest
This is so very true...and yet, I envy you, as I still loathe my attraction to my own sex. Strong paternal influence has left me feeling that, although I know these feelings I have are not my 'fault', this is still something dirty and sworded and undesirable. I have come to terms with carrying the guilt, but I have not yet reached any form of contentment with my so far unfulfilled sexual urges and this year I turned 50! Life can be so shitty - we just have to make the best of it - to find a kind of happiness by focussing beyond the shit!
 
N

nabob1971

Guest
Dear Snome, and to anyone else reading ...

Dear Snome, and to anyone else reading,

(Please read all of this--don't skip--it's worth soaking up.)

I struggled for the first 34 years of my life with my homosexuality--which also included a strong paternal influence. I don't mean to go all "religious" on you, or to push it on you at all, but hopefully what i have to share with you will help in some way ...

About five years ago, God told me my orientation was not an issue to Him.

I was shocked indeed. After all, (North American) society has largely frowned upon homosexuality. The homophobia, the "God hates gays" etc. I mean, talk about a SUBJECT CHANGE!

So I asked "Why now? Why didn't you tell me this in high school??" (or sooner). The reply was essentially that doing so would have been bad timing in the bigger picture. I didn't completely understand that part at the time. He said, "I made you the way you are." Yes, that was also a "WHAT?!" moment, but also a milestone. I never thought I'd see the end of the shame and exclusion, but I did that day--finally. It was needed.

You're right--life can be really tough. When you start demanding more out of life, it makes a world of difference to your self-confidence and peace of mind.

One life lesson I've learned (the hard way) from a past relationship is the value of compromise... When you meet someone who truly loves you for you, I suggest you do whatever is necessary to be with that person, even if it means moving away from a familiar place. If you're both willing to sacrifice certain things like stepping out of your comfort zone to be together, it's worth serious consideration.

For what it's worth, I will be 40 next year. I was always told, "you'll find someone someday". I waited a few years (late 20s), then after that, I just couldn't fathom it. By age 34 (2005), I had given up ever finding happiness in a lasting way. Then in late 2006, I met someone on MySpace. I resisted, my heart was closed and full of pain, and there's that doubt that goes with meeting online, "Is he really telling the truth or is he just playing headgames?" He was a gentleman, 53, respectful and patiently persistent. We were friends first, and the bond grew stronger. After about 8 months, a lot of communication (!) on the phone and webcam cross-border, he moved from the United States to be with me here in Canada.

Remember that comfort zone I mentioned? Well, I originally lived in the Toronto area (Ontario). We drove 2,500 mi. west of my comfort zone to the Rockies and we bought a house. A few months later, we tied the knot: a B.C. marriage commissioner declared us legally married ... with all the title, rights and benefits many straight people take for granted.

Open your heart, open your mind, agree to meet in the middle and NEVER give up. Ever. It may not always be easy but it IS worth it!

I wish you all the best, my friend. Thanks for reading this far. :)

David


This is so very true...and yet, I envy you, as I still loathe my attraction to my own sex. Strong paternal influence has left me feeling that, although I know these feelings I have are not my 'fault', this is still something dirty and sworded and undesirable. I have come to terms with carrying the guilt, but I have not yet reached any form of contentment with my so far unfulfilled sexual urges and this year I turned 50! Life can be so shitty - we just have to make the best of it - to find a kind of happiness by focussing beyond the shit!
 
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