Giving it another go....

havocs · Jul 21, 2016

There is a guy I went on a few dates with and then hooked up with. We both had fun but I ended the relationship at the time because I didn't feel it was going to be a long term situation (and that's what I wanted). It's been about 2 months and he reached out to me and he essentially wants to give it another go. I've decided to give it a try and this time see where it will go. I think I was a bit hasty in my decision to not give it a chance, partially because he is still in the closet and such. He is a nice guy and we are into each other so I am going to be hopeful and see where it goes. I have a friend who thinks it may be a mistake to give it another try, maybe I'm just lonely and this will past the time.

Not sure, anyone have any stories of a past fling that turned into a good relationship? My take on this will be to be open minded and be clear on my expectations, as long as we are honest with each other I think it will be a good experience.

anarren · Jul 22, 2016

Worth a shot - and you can help him (at his own speed, mind you) come out, etc.

tiogilito · Jul 23, 2016

If you want a long term relationship, you need to accept the risk: you need to feel you can have enough trust in each other to try it. Pretty much everybody knows how horrible and painful it is to break up such a relationship. That is why we are a little scared to start one, specially if we had a bad experience before.

What you need is courage. Ask yourself, is he worth the risk? Can you see being together even when sex has become a bit of a "routine"? Can you trust each other to at least try not to hurt each other? Will you have similar interests?

Start slowly. Get to know everything there is to know about him. But don't hold back investing care, attention and love. You only find in a relationship what you are willing to put in.

I have been with my boyfriend for 32 years, and we have jointly decided to be a "triple" some 12 years ago, with great success. The three of us live together and things are working really well.

Good luck!

Shelter · Jul 23, 2016

tiogilito said:
If you want a long term relationship, you need to accept the risk: you need to feel you can have enough trust in each other to try it. Pretty much everybody knows how horrible and painful it is to break up such a relationship. That is why we are a little scared to start one, specially if we had a bad experience before.

What you need is courage. Ask yourself, is he worth the risk? Can you see being together even when sex has become a bit of a "routine"? Can you trust each other to at least try not to hurt each other? Will you have similar interests?

Start slowly. Get to know everything there is to know about him. But don't hold back investing care, attention and love. You only find in a relationship what you are willing to put in.

I have been with my boyfriend for 32 years, and we have jointly decided to be a "triple" some 12 years ago, with great success. The three of us live together and things are working really well.

Good luck!

Tiogilito this is a very good post. Thank you for it - it shows that you are a big personality.

I live with my partner now together for 12 years. But there is one thing I could never do - the "triple". Phew! That would be something I couldn't stand for.

gorgik9 · Jul 23, 2016

tiogilito said:
If you want a long term relationship, you need to accept the risk: you need to feel you can have enough trust in each other to try it. Pretty much everybody knows how horrible and painful it is to break up such a relationship. That is why we are a little scared to start one, specially if we had a bad experience before.

What you need is courage. Ask yourself, is he worth the risk? Can you see being together even when sex has become a bit of a "routine"? Can you trust each other to at least try not to hurt each other? Will you have similar interests?

Start slowly. Get to know everything there is to know about him. But don't hold back investing care, attention and love. You only find in a relationship what you are willing to put in.

I have been with my boyfriend for 32 years, and we have jointly decided to be a "triple" some 12 years ago, with great success. The three of us live together and things are working really well.

Good luck!

I agree fully with Shelter : this is a beautiful post with lots of experience in it. I'm much more positive about the "triple", though; one of my early former lovers (he's precisely my own age, and we did a lot of fucking in our teens) got a partner and they've been together for 30 years, but about 7-8 years ago a third party came into the equation and it seems to work quite allright.

All my best wishes to havocs! I think you made the right decision & I think you're experienced enough to understand the truth of the beautiful song "Love Hurts". This is Nazareth's version:

Shelter · Jul 23, 2016

gorgik9 said:
I agree fully with Shelter : this is a beautiful post with lots of experience in it. I'm much more positive about the "triple", though; one of my early former lovers (he's precisely my own age, and we did a lot of fucking in our teens) got a partner and they've been together for 30 years, but about 7-8 years ago a third party came into the equation and it seems to work quite allright.

All my best wishes to havocs! I think you made the right decision & I think you're experienced enough to understand the truth of the beautiful song "Love Hurts". This is Nazareth's version:

p

Why do you always have such nice little cream toppings?! p

Great! Love you for it!

havocs · Jul 23, 2016

Thanks for the input everyone. As you say, every relationship has to start somewhere. I had my doubts after our first encounter mostly bc I wanted a long term relationship and frankly he said he wanted a relationship but didnt seem to have much of a personality. All he does is work and go to gym. Our financial situation is different too, but I will see it through. I do have some alarms going off in my head but I will navigate through them and see how long it goes. We spoke about being in a relationship and I was honest with him and said I dont know how long we will be together but am willing to see it through. Part of me feels bad pursuing this when I have doubts, it's like I'm leading him on. That's why I will continue to be honest. He is coming over tomorrow, we'll see how it goes. :big hug:

Shelter · Jul 23, 2016

havocs said:
Thanks for the input everyone. As you say, every relationship has to start somewhere. I had my doubts after our first encounter mostly bc I wanted a long term relationship and frankly he said he wanted a relationship but didnt seem to have much of a personality. All he does is work and go to gym. Our financial situation is different too, but I will see it through. I do have some alarms going off in my head but I will navigate through them and see how long it goes. We spoke about being in a relationship and I was honest with him and said I dont know how long we will be together but am willing to see it through. Part of me feels bad pursuing this when I have doubts, it's like I'm leading him on. That's why I will continue to be honest. He is coming over tomorrow, we'll see how it goes. :big hug:

Hello Havoc - much of luck for your date. And I hope from deep of the bottom of my heart, that you will have together with him a nice Sunday and perhaps the beginning of a good and honest relationship.

havocs · Jul 26, 2016

Update - date was fine, ended in sex. The odd thing, he is in a bit of a predicament. At the end of the month he will be in between places and asked if he can stay with me for a week. Such an odd thing to ask. He has a month to month lease at his current place and his current roommate wants to let a previous tenant move back in. He has a friend that will let him stay at a place but his friend is currently on vacation and there will be a week's time he will need to stay at a place. The whole situation is just uncomfortable haha. We are really early in the relationship and I am worried this may be too much too soon. Part of me wants to do it simply to be helpful and to also help push myself beyond my comfort zone and let him (in general) into my life. The other part of me says this is too soon (even if it is temporary) and to avoid any potential future issues/dependencies and say no.

When I decided to give this another shot, I did so with the intention of pushing myself and seeing this through. If I did this, I would only have him in the apt whenever I am home. So he would have to leave before me (work) and wait for me to get home. Sounds like a plan, but what if he gets sick? Am I comfortable with him being in my place without me, no. I've got some time to think it over......

Shelter · Jul 26, 2016

Nice that you have had a great weekend.

But the other thing would for me too quick. It sounds for me a little bit ambush-style. Bujt perhaps I'm only a very suspicious person. I would deny his request and justify it with your really very fresh relationship (honestly it isn't until now a relationship!). You cannot say that you are knowing him just now after a weekend. But later, if both of you have learned more from each other, perhaps it may be possible.

Well perhaps I'm sounding harsh - but better safe than sorry!

gorgik9 · Jul 26, 2016

havocs said:
Update - date was fine, ended in sex. The odd thing, he is in a bit of a predicament. At the end of the month he will be in between places and asked if he can stay with me for a week. Such an odd thing to ask. He has a month to month lease at his current place and his current roommate wants to let a previous tenant move back in. He has a friend that will let him stay at a place but his friend is currently on vacation and there will be a week's time he will need to stay at a place. The whole situation is just uncomfortable haha. We are really early in the relationship and I am worried this may be too much too soon. Part of me wants to do it simply to be helpful and to also help push myself beyond my comfort zone and let him (in general) into my life. The other part of me says this is too soon (even if it is temporary) and to avoid any potential future issues/dependencies and say no.

When I decided to give this another shot, I did so with the intention of pushing myself and seeing this through. If I did this, I would only have him in the apt whenever I am home. So he would have to leave before me (work) and wait for me to get home. Sounds like a plan, but what if he gets sick? Am I comfortable with him being in my place without me, no. I've got some time to think it over......

So glad your date was a good one, ending in bed :thumbs up::cheers:

About the other things I guess my perspective is different from Shelter's: Obviously I really am not in any kind of position to tell you what to do, and I fully understand if you think that the guy is close to putting you in an uncomfortable position & of course he must give you the time you need to think things through.

But - on my side - I'm a bit uncomfortable with the notion of "not putting things at risk & playing it safe".

As long as you're alive you'll ALWAYS be at some kind of risk. Turning down his request for a place to stay could put you at risk of never getting to know how much better your life could get...

Sure, it could get worse also, but the idea of the "safe" alternative without risk is actually bogus...

Anyway! Doesn't matter what you decide - we'll hope for the best :big hug::cheers:

Shelter · Jul 26, 2016

gorgik9 said:
Anyway! Doesn't matter what you decide - we'll hope for the best :big hug::cheers:

Despite differing notion - this is what I can only fulhearted sign. Nonetheless it will be a difficult decision you have to do.

And Gorgik (as ever again! :blushing

is right with his remark: the idea of the "safe" alternative without risk is actually bogus...

So perhaps you will let us know how you decision was and if it was the right decision for you as well as for him. p

havocs · Jul 26, 2016

Thanks Shelter and gorgik9,

My initial response allings with your Shelter, it's too soon. It would be different if we knew each other longer. And I agree with gorgik too, I have to be willing to take chances in life. This may end up bad, but as long as I dont get murdered in my sleep I will be able to deal with it. I want to push myself and to let someone into my life more, is my desire to be more open just leaving me exposed to being used? As gorgik says that is the chance we all have to take at times. Well, this is what I asked for, more experiences and a chance to be pushed outside my comfort zone haha.

I'm leaning towards a yes, I will have to be clear with him on my expectations for it. I'm still going to sit on it for another day. We're supposed to get together on Thursday.

topdog · Jul 26, 2016

To quote Star Wars: "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Of course, you are in the situation and it is your judgement that is most valuable. But, there are ways to take risks that are strictly emotional and do not place you in physical danger.

Why is this guy asking you for a place to stay? He hardly knows you. Where are his long-term friends? Where is his family? If none of those are options, what does that say about him?

And I'll be the the jerk here and say that it is possible that he is reconnecting with you because he needs a place to stay.

OK - I just wanted to get that out on the table. Maybe he's a sweetheart - only you are in the position to know.

This wouldn't really be an issue if the two of you had a few months of relationship already behind you so there would be some context this request. Since you are just getting to know this person, this seems like a layer of complication the beginning relationship doesn't need. Especially when you are monitoring issues that you have already identified. So, keep your heart open but stay physically safe.

Shelter · Jul 26, 2016

topdog said:
To quote Star Wars: "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Of course, you are in the situation and it is your judgement that is most valuable. But, there are ways to take risks that are strictly emotional and do not place you in physical danger.

Why is this guy asking you for a place to stay? He hardly knows you. Where are his long-term friends? Where is his family? If none of those are options, what does that say about him?

And I'll be the the jerk here and say that it is possible that he is reconnecting with you because he needs a place to stay.

OK - I just wanted to get that out on the table. Maybe he's a sweetheart - only you are in the position to know.

This wouldn't really be an issue if the two of you had a few months of relationship already behind you so there would be some context this request. Since you are just getting to know this person, this seems like a layer of complication the beginning relationship doesn't need. Especially when you are monitoring issues that you have already identified. So, keep your heart open but stay physically safe.

:agree::agree::agree::agree::agree:

gorgik9 · Jul 26, 2016

Shelter said:
:agree::agree::agree::agree::agree:

:agree:

Agreeing to agree about topdog's comments! Always worthwile.

havocs · Jul 27, 2016

topdog said:
To quote Star Wars: "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Of course, you are in the situation and it is your judgement that is most valuable. But, there are ways to take risks that are strictly emotional and do not place you in physical danger.

Why is this guy asking you for a place to stay? He hardly knows you. Where are his long-term friends? Where is his family? If none of those are options, what does that say about him?

And I'll be the the jerk here and say that it is possible that he is reconnecting with you because he needs a place to stay.

OK - I just wanted to get that out on the table. Maybe he's a sweetheart - only you are in the position to know.

This wouldn't really be an issue if the two of you had a few months of relationship already behind you so there would be some context this request. Since you are just getting to know this person, this seems like a layer of complication the beginning relationship doesn't need. Especially when you are monitoring issues that you have already identified. So, keep your heart open but stay physically safe.

Everything you said is basically the first thoughts that ran through my mind. I am doing this as much for me as I am doing it for him. I tend to be very protective of myself and my space, I have a hard time even inviting my friends over to my place. I want to push myself and see what is like letting someone get that close to me. It's a good test for me. As for his friends, he has friends and is staying with one during the month of August, he just needs a place to stay the first week of August (his friend is out of town). I'm going to be cautious and use my head while he is here. We are talking about it more tomorrow, I am making the rules very clear. I want this experience (even though it is way too soon for us), it is good for me to get a hint of what it is like to live with someone, even if just for a week. I havent lived with someone since I rented a room after I moved out of my parents house. And I didnt feel comfortable there haha. Im gonna keep my whits about me during this. I'll let you all know how it goes.

havocs · Feb 26, 2017

I neglected to follow up on this....
It went well. The whole experience gave me a lot to think about (for myself). It also made me proud of where I am in my life and with the decisions that led me here. On the last day, I drove him to his friends apt and he told me he decided to move to Cali and he and it didn't make sense for to stay 'together'. I do still believe (as several of you do) that he really wanted a place to stay more than a relationship with me. I made it very clear he was only staying a week and didn't budge at all. I forget when he told me he was going to move to Cali, I did send him a txt a few weeks later asking how he was doing and how was the move. He simply said he was doing well.....I wouldnt be surprised if I saw him still here one day.....it was an experience....thankfully it was positive. Thanks for listening and the feedback guys! :big hug:

Giving it another go....

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