I’m a homophobe and my son is gayPossible Trigger
Trigger warning, slurs (am I doing this right?)
I’ve hated gay people for as long as I can really remember and I honestly don’t know why. Growing up in one of the sh1tty parts of Boston that’s just kind of how it was and still is. Then I joined the Marines out of high school to fight in the gulf war, and after that I became a cop. I’m just a textbook homophobe.
My son was always “different”. I just thought he was into theater and reading and playing games because he was one of the nerdy kids. Which still crushes my heart because I wanted him to be like me and my older son and play sports and hunt and do manly sh1t, but I could understand that he just wasn’t like that. I guess I was oblivious to it all since I was the last person in the family to find out, for good reason too. I flipped out, said disgusting things to him, sh1t that keeps me up at night. I wanted him out of my house but my wife wouldn’t have any of it, so I just pretended like he didn’t exist. I don’t think I can describe what it’s like to live in the same house as someone, see them every day, eat dinner with them, and never say a word to them, never make eye contact with them, for six months. Then he went away to college and didn’t come back. The only time he’s come back was for his grandmothers funeral, and we stayed as far away as possible.
I don’t know what changed to be honest, but one day I woke up and I was changed. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hate him, or anyone else like him either. It was just too much work. But I was dumb and thought I could just pick right up where I left off, so I tried calling him and he didn’t answer. So I called again, and again, and again. He finally picked up because he thought something happened to his mother, and when I said I wanted to talk to him he told me to kill myself and hung up. And for the 4th time in my adult life I cried. A lot. I was depressed for a long time, to the point I had to take a month of leave. My wife finally convinced my son to talk to me, for the first time in 6 years. I told him everything I felt, how sorry I was, how I want to know him. And he just listened, and when I was done he told me how I fucked him up. How my casual homophobia made him feel unloved and made him think about suicide when he was 13 years old. And he said he couldn’t forgive me for any of it.
That was over a year ago and we’ve talked on the phone a lot since then. Many times a week. I know my son now. I don’t know how to express how happy I am. He says he forgives me, and he’s happy to feel loved again but I know that for almost 20 years I unknowingly tormented him every day of his life. I know that haunts him, and now it haunts me. I remember every time I’ve said faggot around him. Every time i tried to make him act less gay. How i would make fun of him and call him a Nancy for being scared to shoot my guns. How I tried to stop him from being in plays because “all those queer boys do them.” I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe that I used to throw rocks at gays. I can’t believe that I tried to get someone kicked out of the Corps because I thought he was gay. I don’t know how I can ever forgive myself for all the lives I made a living hell in high school. I can’t forgive myself for letting my stupid fucking beliefs get in the way of my job. If I had pulled over someone and I thought they were gay I would give them a ticket for anything I could think of. My son wanted to kill himself because of me, and that makes me want to die.
Im going to see him for the first time in years on Thursday. I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out. I’m happy and nervous and afraid. I’m going to meet his partner, who I know isn’t totally convinced he should be coming. I don’t know what is going to happen really, and that scares me. Since I was 18 it’s essentially been my job to be in control and know what is happening and what I’m going to do and that has certainly become a part of who I am. I think that’s why all of this scares me. Because I’m powerless in all of this.
I’m sure this isn’t the right place to say this, but I don’t know anywhere else where people would understand. I’m sure many of you have been on the other side of this, and I know that all of you have gone through something like this from someone like me. It’s all a lot for me and I wanted to get it off my chest.
