Need help for my brother sexuality

Alexander Joe · Jun 26, 2017

I am a 25 years old gay male but never participated in a sexual intercourse or interacted with anyone but this is not the problem.
last week i discovered that my younger brother 23 years old has grindr app installed on his smartphone and he is chatting with many others
then i found out that he is participating in many cam 2 cam sessions for a long time
at last i knew that he had done softcore sexual intercourses before
now i am confused
should i confront him about this ? or let him on his own ?
if i confront him, should i come out to him first ? or maybe make hints and let him come out to me ?
i am afraid that he will be frightened and isolate himself away from me

BTW we have a really strong relationship with each other and i don't want this to be changed

of course i am not talking about being gay is wrong or forbidden but i want to warn him about certain points and let him open up about this staff

lhardwick69 · Jun 26, 2017

so you both are gay that's nothing new--just let him know you saw he has grindr but grindr isn't just gay is it??if it is then cool--but if your bond is strong then coming out to him and letting him know you know he is gay as well--will just strengthen your bond--

Shelter · Jun 26, 2017

Ihardwick 69 is totally right with his advice - but at first: did your brother know that you are gay or feeling gay? And second: you have said that you have found on your brothers smartphone the grindr app. Here I would be very cautious. What have you to do with your brothers smartphone? Why you are controlling his apps? I don't think that you will open letters addressed to your brother or parents, as well as you surely didn't like it they would open letters addressed to yourself.

And if your brother is knowing that you are gay, you can start a conversation with him ... talking about your own feelings and perhaps asking what he is thinking about it. Perhaps he will come out to you ... but really only perhaps. Don't urge him. Try to clear the problem in a familar small talk with him.

I would be very interested how you will solve this problem - if it will be a problem!

topdog · Jun 27, 2017

Yes, good advice has been given here.

First, you have no standing to ask him about his sexuality if you are not willing to disclose your own. You have no control over what your brother does, but you have the power to tell your own story. Talk to him. Tell him you are gay. Be the example. If you set the tone for honest sharing, that will make him feel safe to do the same.

slimjim · Jun 27, 2017

You cannot really begin a conversation with "I was looking at your grindr history" as the question of trust will come up. If you found out about his sexuality by accident then why not let him find our about yours "accidentally" - if you both live at home there are "clues" you could leave. This could be a problem if you have not come out to your parents ... you want your brother to see the clues and work it out, not your dad maybe?

Giangiacomo · Jun 27, 2017

It seems he has a lot more experience than you and any advice would be better coming from him rather than from someone who has never done anything. Sexual knowledge comes from experience not being the older brother.

ihno · Jun 27, 2017

Alexander Joe said:
I am a 25 years old gay male but never participated in a sexual intercourse or interacted with anyone but this is not the problem.
last week i discovered that my younger brother 23 years old has grindr app installed on his smartphone and he is chatting with many others
then i found out that he is participating in many cam 2 cam sessions for a long time
at last i knew that he had done softcore sexual intercourses before
now i am confused
should i confront him about this ? or let him on his own ?
if i confront him, should i come out to him first ? or maybe make hints and let him come out to me ?
i am afraid that he will be frightened and isolate himself away from me
BTW we have a really strong relationship with each other and i don't want this to be changed
of course i am not talking about being gay is wrong or forbidden but i want to warn him about certain points and let him open up about this staff

1. Come out to him.
2. Tell him about the grindr thing afterwards.

It'll work out that way but you can still skip 2. if you feel it's better.

Have a good experience.

Alexander Joe · Jun 28, 2017

Shelter said:
Ihardwick 69 is totally right with his advice - but at first: did your brother know that you are gay or feeling gay? And second: you have said that you have found on your brothers smartphone the grindr app. Here I would be very cautious. What have you to do with your brothers smartphone? Why you are controlling his apps? I don't think that you will open letters addressed to your brother or parents, as well as you surely didn't like it they would open letters addressed to yourself.

And if your brother is knowing that you are gay, you can start a conversation with him ... talking about your own feelings and perhaps asking what he is thinking about it. Perhaps he will come out to you ... but really only perhaps. Don't urge him. Try to clear the problem in a familar small talk with him.

I would be very interested how you will solve this problem - if it will be a problem!

I noticed the Grindr app by accident only, then i was shocked by what i have found so I didn't think about privacy or anything else even though i care much about it

My brother does not know that I am gay but perhaps he is guessing that because he watches my downloaded gay porn on my PC without my knowledge

Alexander Joe · Jun 28, 2017

topdog said:
Yes, good advice has been given here.

First, you have no standing to ask him about his sexuality if you are not willing to disclose your own. You have no control over what your brother does, but you have the power to tell your own story. Talk to him. Tell him you are gay. Be the example. If you set the tone for honest sharing, that will make him feel safe to do the same.

I have no intention to disclose my own sexuality and I don't want to control anything about him, I am just worried about him

Alexander Joe · Jun 28, 2017

Giangiacomo said:
It seems he has a lot more experience than you and any advice would be better coming from him rather than from someone who has never done anything. Sexual knowledge comes from experience not being the older brother.

It is way beyond sexual experience, I just want to warn him about certain point other than sex itself

Alexander Joe · Jun 28, 2017

So I think that we all pretty much agree about coming out to him first then figure out what to do next depending on his reaction ?

topdog · Jun 28, 2017

Yes - you set the stage by being honest about yourself and showing him how much you respect and trust him. That is the best possible environment for making him feel safe being honest with you.

Of course, his sexuality is his story to tell in his own time. It may take more than just one conversation for him to be ready to talk. But you just keep choosing to be honest about yourself and supportive of his feelings, and that is you best chance of being someone who he can turn to when he needs help and advice.

Alexander Joe · Jun 28, 2017

I just got an idea, What about downloading the Grindr app on my smartphone and search for him then discover each other sexuality in the same time ?

Shelter · Jun 28, 2017

topdog said:
Yes - you set the stage by being honest about yourself and showing him how much you respect and trust him. That is the best possible environment for making him feel safe being honest with you.

Of course, his sexuality is his story to tell in his own time. It may take more than just one conversation for him to be ready to talk. But you just keep choosing to be honest about yourself and supportive of his feelings, and that is you best chance of being someone who he can turn to when he needs help and advice.

:agree::agree::agree::agree:

topdog · Jun 28, 2017

Alexander Joe said:
I just got an idea, What about downloading the Grindr app on my smartphone and search for him then discover each other sexuality in the same time ?

That is an extremely passive approach.

It does not demonstrate honesty; on the contrary it reveals lies and omissions.
It does not make you a powerful man who takes control of a situation to lead by example for his younger brother; it makes you someone who is found out against his wishes.
It does not create and strengthen relationship; it says that there are things you are not willing to talk about.

You can do better for your brother than that. Man up. Carve out a path that he can follow. Do the tough thing just because it will make his life better.

Or you can show him that hiding and isolating yourself is the better way to go. Your choice.

yellow122 · Jul 28, 2017

When I came out to my big brother (straight) he was not surprised and told me he had the clue since young age. He is OK with I am gay. Your problem should be easier coz both of you guys are gay. So just tell him in a nice way and good luck!

lhardwick69 · Jul 31, 2017

well if not going to tell him about your sexuality then at least make him feel secure and safe around you knowing you wont let anyone harm him..if it were me id tell him..think about your being gay has made you feel--a lot of guys feel secluded and alone and afraid to be around others--if you tell him about you being gay and know he is and that you will never let anything happen to him..he may feel safer knowing that--

as for grindr--tell him to take his yng ass out and don't hang around grindr as it is full of fakes and posers--

Stonecold · Aug 1, 2017

Many decades ago I had the same type of situation with my younger brother and opening up to him made us even closer and we became the black sheep of the family together. I did find some relatives that swore I must have turned him Gay, but in this enlightened age that shouldn't be a problem. I agree with topdog, man up and truly be there for him. You say you are already close which is great, but you will become even closer, Having close family who is also "family" is wonderful.

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