When and how was your "Coming Out"?

[topdog]

I came out at university, I was 19, and to my big surprise my parents and good friends weren't surprised at all. I must have been fooling myself for a long time...

Maybe back in the 1950s it might have gone unnoticed, but today people are so aware - they are going to put 2+2 together whether you say something or not.

 

[Trueshot]

I haven't come out to my parents yet, I first came out to my best friends- they were surprised by me telling them I'm bi, they didn't fully understand it but frankly I didn't want to make them think too much about it either. I just pretended it was all normal and it was. We don't talk bout it often though, which irritates me because it's like they're avoiding that I have a gay side.

 

[topdog]

You broke through the truth barrier with your friends - that's the really hard part and congrats to you for having the guts and trusting your friends to do that.

Next step, as you say, is to just make it normal. Your friends can't do that on their own - they have no model. They may want to, but they don't know how. You have to do this for them. You make it normal. Don't avoid the topic. That would make it rare, special, and definitely not normal. Don't put your friends down or criticize them, but don't cater to their comfort either. Speak up when someone is attractive. If you are dating someone, don't cover up the pronouns. Resist the urge to hide or "pass".

You might think that this would annoy your friends, but it will actually have to opposite effect. If you are comfortable with your sexuality and place in the world, then they will be as well. They will take their cues from you. If you hide or try to "pass", then they will think that they have a responsibility to keep your secret. Things will get confusing - when are you "out" and when are you "in"?

But the key is that you set the example and they will be happy to take cues from you and not have to guess.

Good luck! Aren't you glad you don't have to pretend to be someone else around your friends?

 

[Curiousnomore]

I haven't told my family yet Im too nervous and scared. My family is very religious and "old school" I don't want to hurt my mothers feelings but don't wish to live the lie either

 

[maxpower5656]

I still haven't come out to myself in all honesty

 

[Shelter]

I still haven't come out to myself in all honesty

Not even to yourself??? :?
Why that - why you are so unconfident? You are here and I think that must be for you the first step. And now you have to do the next step - be honest to yourself! :thumbs up:

 

[tuneart]

I was 19 My parents asked me... so I told them

 

[etacass]

I always hear these coming out stories of love and acceptance... Mine was largely people (a friend and some family) who treated it like it was the worst thing ever, and I was a terrible person trying to ruin their lives. *sigh* But living a lie is still worse.

 

[aram]

23

 

[solamentever]

Even in the best locations heterosexism is still the norm and it takes a constant effort and commitment to come out again and again and again. In the worst places it can be a death sentence.

However, wherever you are make sure you add up the costs. Assuming you are not physically at risk, coming out can put important relationships at risk and impact friends and jobs.

But not coming out carries a price tag as well. It forces you to play a character rather than be yourself. If forces you to wear a mask and edit your conversation and tell lies and then keep track of all the lies you have told. It builds a wall between you and the people you love who don't actually know the real you.

The longer you stay behind that wall, the more it becomes a part of you. Do you really want to live like Barry Manilow or Joel Grey and wait until you are in your 70s to finally let people know who you really are?

Most people who have come out look back on their closeted years and consider them wasted time. Time when they could have been in love and open and completely accepting of themselves, but instead edited their lives for the sake of other people.

Figure out what you want your future to look like and take whatever steps you need to get you there.

Hello Topdog - it is always a great experience for me to read your posts. They really are more than worth to pool them into a little booklet, so that one can read it from time to time again if one has this or that problem. You not only give help to the respective thread-starter but as well to every other guy who will read it here.

Thank you for all your great inputs.

I agree with Shelter, your advice is always really valuable and helpful. I love the way you put your thoughts into words.
Your mind is beautiful.

Don't be angry but may I ask you if you are an psychologist or working with an psychologistic background?

Nevertheless - if I would have a personal problem, you would be the one and only person of my confidence! :thumbs up

I'd like to know as well!

 

[tiogilito]

I was outed by an ex... He moved out taking things like my TV and laptop with him, and when I asked for it back, he phoned my mom.

Hilariously my mom arranged for a "possy" of various friends of hers, mostly from the gym, to see my ex and "collect" my belongings...

 

[lxxlegendxxl]

oops

Horrible! Net nanny caught me as a kid... LOL

 

[GonzoDogg123]

Hard to believe it was almost 25 years ago, but it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

 

[nusabay]

I have not come out.. i live in a conservatif city in a rather conservatif country..

 

[portugal10]

People meet me and go "H'es Gay" :rofl:

 

[hucky]

At the age of 18, till today no bad experience about my coming-out.

 

[Tottrop]

Hard to believe it was almost 25 years ago, but it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

Why so difficult?

I have not come out.. i live in a conservatif city in a rather conservatif country..

Which country if we may ask. Or even just which continent...

I still haven't come out to myself in all honesty

Why?

I was 19 My parents asked me... so I told them

How did they suspect?

Coming out stories tend to be rather short. Why?

Perhaps no one really cares accept ourselves. IS that the truth of it? We imagine flocks of people will strain to hear every little detail of our homosexuality, but really no one cares. Even shock wears off after a few days and that is a sign of not caring too!
Maybe one feared reaction is that you tell someone and they only look vexed and mildly perturbed. 'So what' on the one hand but a mix of 'i'd better pretend to be all ears and sensitivity and fake smiles on the other'

MY experience of telling people you are gay is 'so what, you want special treatment?' The only people who care to the extent of being truly interested are other gays. Which is understandable really. Isnt it?

 

[topdog]

...MY experience of telling people you are gay is 'so what, you want special treatment?' ...

I let people know that I am gay so they don't make the embarrassing blunder of assuming that I am straight. I do it as a courtesy to them.

 

[gzinho987]

I was 23, i was having sex with a guy im my house and my parents heard us

 

[Pakeha]

With the huge help of my straight friends it went well