Am I being too jealous/unreasonable? help please!

[nidorino]

Hello my forum friends, I have a question for youses:
If your boyfriend was going to Canada for a couple of weeks with his gal pal, and he tells you he wants to go to gay clubs w her.. would you be comfortable?

Of course, I am asking because this is a true issue forme! Lemme start w some back story: I am 24 yrs young P) and my boyfriend is 20 (21 this may). We've been dating for almost a yr now. This summer he plans on going to canada w his hag (hahaha) and he invited me along. I cant go however. Anyway, point is that he told me he was gonna go to the gay clubs while there. After a little back and forth he says he just wants to dance, for he has not gone to clubs and wants to go have fun. Totally reasonable, right? Well, i suggested a straight club! He could go and dance w every chick in the place and nasty grind and whatever he wants with them, and I'd be cool with it. He insists he wants to go to a gay club... dance w guys... he says it'd be "more fun".
Obviously I am upset at this point:angry:, we had a discussion. He says im being unreasonable, that he just wants to dance, he doesnt wanna flirt, he is not gonna let anyone kiss him, he just wants to dance. I said "tough titty, if u wanted to flirt u shouldn't have gotten in a relationship! now ur stuck w me!"
I mean, seriously, even if he doesnt plan on flirting, guys are gonna hit on him! and he says he wants to dance w guys! Its not like he will dance w his girl friend and just ppl watch. Slippery slope! and even if he doesn't get kissed or felt up or anything, I am just NOT comfortable with him grinding at the club w random guys!!!!

Ok, now... how would you feel if this was going on w u? Would it bug you too if he wanted to go dancing w dudes?
Granted, he is young and wants to experience stuff... but seriously,if its party he craves, he can go to a straight club, right? Obviously what he craves is the flirting and the male attention, and of course he will never admit it, so we're back at square one, with the "I just wanna dance."

Now, I am a jealous guy. No doubt about it! But am I being unreasonable in this particular issue? Sometimes I dont know if i'm just too jealous. I really need more points of view from my fellow gay men, especially in relationships (but not restricted to), since none of my friends have boyfriends :/

Hopefully you guys can provide some insight...

 

[josh_the_hot_boy]

It all boils down to one thing. Do you trust him? If so then you shouldn't have a problem. If you don't trust him then maybe you need to address that issue.

 

[nidorino]

Well... not really! I mean, if you dated a 20 yr old who says he wants to flirt and dance w guys and not girls...would you?
He is human after all! and not just that, a hormonal human at that! After 1 yr dating... would anyone trust their boyfriends to go grind it up at the club!?

I know he's not gonna fuck anyone, or blow anyone or do anything w sex. But he might let a guy steal a kiss, especially when drunk!

Also, the point of going to a gay club for him is flirting and dancing w guys... he told me so... and the flirting and grinding bugs me, and it would bother me even if I was 100% sure that he wouldn't even have a single drink and he would not let anyone touch him other than to dance. Why? Cause its grinding, its dry humping really.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

Hello my forum friends, I have a question for youses:
If your boyfriend was going to Canada for a couple of weeks with his gal pal, and he tells you he wants to go to gay clubs w her.. would you be comfortable?

Of course, I am asking because this is a true issue forme! Lemme start w some back story: I am 24 yrs young P) and my boyfriend is 20 (21 this may). We've been dating for almost a yr now. This summer he plans on going to canada w his hag (hahaha) and he invited me along. I cant go however. Anyway, point is that he told me he was gonna go to the gay clubs while there. After a little back and forth he says he just wants to dance, for he has not gone to clubs and wants to go have fun. Totally reasonable, right? Well, i suggested a straight club! He could go and dance w every chick in the place and nasty grind and whatever he wants with them, and I'd be cool with it. He insists he wants to go to a gay club... dance w guys... he says it'd be "more fun".
Obviously I am upset at this point:angry:, we had a discussion. He says im being unreasonable, that he just wants to dance, he doesnt wanna flirt, he is not gonna let anyone kiss him, he just wants to dance. I said "tough titty, if u wanted to flirt u shouldn't have gotten in a relationship! now ur stuck w me!"
I mean, seriously, even if he doesnt plan on flirting, guys are gonna hit on him! and he says he wants to dance w guys! Its not like he will dance w his girl friend and just ppl watch. Slippery slope! and even if he doesn't get kissed or felt up or anything, I am just NOT comfortable with him grinding at the club w random guys!!!!

Ok, now... how would you feel if this was going on w u? Would it bug you too if he wanted to go dancing w dudes?
Granted, he is young and wants to experience stuff... but seriously,if its party he craves, he can go to a straight club, right? Obviously what he craves is the flirting and the male attention, and of course he will never admit it, so we're back at square one, with the "I just wanna dance."

Now, I am a jealous guy. No doubt about it! But am I being unreasonable in this particular issue? Sometimes I dont know if i'm just too jealous. I really need more points of view from my fellow gay men, especially in relationships (but not restricted to), since none of my friends have boyfriends :/

Hopefully you guys can provide some insight...

Nidorino dude you are a very young gay couple with only a year spent together, now I guess you know the story of I and Alex he was 19 and I was 29, just imagine how jealous I would be of having my boyfriend going around in gay bars in a country such as Canada (gays are not much different there then any other countries, but depending where he goes in Canada, let me tell you they are liberals, much more free than many other countries). If you're boyfriend happens to be a Alex (6 feet tall, blond and just plain hot to watch) I can't blame you of being worried because indeed he is going to be hit on, and there's many many beautiful gay dudes in Canada (not only the USA has beautiful dude that could enter the porn business LOL). I know I'm not helping your cause, but I'm not here to help, but for you to realize that you may want to trust your boyfriend just a little bit more, the recipes of a good relationship is trust and communication. Although your feeling is just normal, as I too would have been worried back then.

What you may want him to commit to you, is for him to call you every night, now of course this will seed some doubt in his head, but is not much younger than you are, at 24 I was a hell of a "fuck around the clock" type of dude which really slowed down after my 25 birthday anniversary and the coming of my son (which is turning 11 this year). It is understandable for you to be worried, I won't really call it jealousy at this point because, jealousy I see it different if my boyfriend was to go alone or with a bunch of gay hags friends just to party in another country... that you don't agree too much of him going in gay bar isn't jealousy, it's just worries, because you're aware of him being a hot head and liking the flirting game, and obviously the flirting game do often end up being a fucking game.

Second Canadians don't play around too much, I have see the scene and knows very well how it works, however here's a band aid for you, younger gays don't hang out at the bars or clubs too much, whether you are in Montreal or Toronto. The age median of gays going in clubs are 25 - 35, therefore not completely in you're boyfriend's color plate unless he likes older gentlemen. Younger gays will hang out in straight club and mixes with the masses mostly because they're getting hit on too much. If your BF goes in a club in Toronto or Montreal in either gay villages he'll be highly dissapointed because he won't find much gays of his age there. And in both cities, if he goes in gay clubs that accept women when it's not ladies night, trust me he may dance and have fun but there's not much material there for him to flirt. Canada isn't California, the gay population is spread across the country and doesn't have like in San Francisco a contingent of young gays hanging out at the same place... we do have a city that is exclusively gay in Quebec's city region, however I won't give you the name here LOL.

You also might want to seriously talk with your boyfriend about that trip of his, because trust me he goes in a straight club or bar in Canada, and that's actually where you'd find the more gays, not necessarily the actual gay clubs. If Alex and I decide to go out we're certainly not going into a gay clubs because both of us will be hit on thoroughly and we both hate that to the max. Alex obviously will be hit on more than I do, but I also get my fair share, and when they learn we are together, it turns into three ways and couple sharing proposal, which we banned from our couple two years ago (unless we really know the person, like Alex's evenly hot cousin P).
If he's 20 and craves for male attention, here is something you want to try to add in your discussion, this will definitely make him think twice before engaging sex with another dude. Before he leaves and go for his trip, try to swallow your pride and tell him " Have fun and please protect yourself if you are going to have sex." This may open a flamming discussion, but at least you've shown that you know it could happen. You have been only a year together, and for a gay couple I'd say the average for the trust to be complete is at least 2 years and half. If you telling a 20 years old dude not to do something, you can be sure he'll do it. When Alex turned 20 he also had a high sex appetite and although it was annoying me big time that he'd go alone with some friends in bar, I always let him go with the same phrase " Have fun baby and protect yourself". I believe it happened just once that he had sex with somebody else, but the next day he felt so much like shit, cried his ass off, and well I knew how I was at 20 and I believe in my understanding that it was just fair to let him experiment and that his how I allowed him to seek other people during our relationship (but he didn't) unless we'd both be involve.

Your boyfriend isn't your possession, he's just a dude tagging along with similar interest, he is his own entity, and you have to let him go have fun... if he really does love you, he won't do anything, he might flirt and all but sense will come back to him if the flirt goes to far... only you could tell at the moment because you're the one in relationship with him. What we can do here it's to give some pointers. What YOU can do it's to tell him exactly how you feel, why you are worried about him going dancing in gay club in a different country, that you understand at 20 hormones take over senses and that you're scared he might engage in sexual relationship over there. He might get offended but at least you will have tell your feelings about the whole idea and if he decide to go nonetheless he will recall this.

Relationship is a difficult horse to mount and to keep straight, if you love this dude like I love my Alex you'll have to cut him some slack and trust him, because mistake do happens. At 21 Alex got in a club with his friend and got gang bang, I was very mad at him because knowing how bottom he is he was definitely the one getting all those cocks in him, but again I loved that dude and decided to leave it, and I had a very serious discussion the next day telling him that this was the last mistake he was going to do, afterward I'd let him go, later on that same year there was another party and guess who called me to come get him because he believed to be too drunk and he didn't want to make mistake... from that day I started trusting him more and that never happened... at least not that I know of... but this dude can't lie and if he does he really sucks at it.:rofl:

Trust your boyfriend, unless you have very good reason not too.

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

Unless you have some kind of understanding between you that you are committed to being faithful to one another, you have no claim whatsoever on what he does when he's away from you from an extended time.

the fact that he has talked about going to gay clubs may be an indication that he wants to "play the field". You should be appreciative of the fact that he has told you up front that he intends to go to these places, rather than letting you find out about it afterwards. As for how you should react, that's not for me or any other members of this forum to say, that's for you and you alone.

 

[Otage]

I can only offer you how I would personally react, so here it comes: I would let him. Things change anyways if their going to change. I'm not the one who must guard that hi's loyal, I think it's his job. And my job is to be loyal, honest and supportive to him and only wish the best for him. When he stops doing the same, as I do to him, THEN we have a problem, but not before that.

 

[Urban]

It all boils down to one thing. Do you trust him? If so then you shouldn't have a problem. If you don't trust him then maybe you need to address that issue.

Absolutely correct. The issue here isn't where he goes or what he does, it's whether you trust him and whether he is trustworthy. That's what you two should be discussing.

I have loved to dance since I was old enough to stand. And I mean every possible type of dance that I can do (that leaves out tango).

I have always loved to go to places to dance -- gay, straight, whatever. I go out & dance by myself if no one is available. (I hate today's dance music, but that's another story).

And guess what -- I've kissed people, men & women (I'm 100% gay) while & after dancing. It has never meant a thing -- I also love to kiss.

I've had a partner for 30 years. He knows me & trusts me; I know him & trust him. We even flirt with other people sometimes, men & women; it's all fun & wouldn't go any further.

And we didn't develop this trust after 30 years; it was there at the beginning.

Figure it out.

 

[slimjim]

It all boils down to one thing. Do you trust him? If so then you shouldn't have a problem. If you don't trust him then maybe you need to address that issue.

Spot on Josh!... He's told you his plans for while he's away... have you told him yours?

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

Well... not really! I mean, if you dated a 20 yr old who says he wants to flirt and dance w guys and not girls...would you?
He is human after all! and not just that, a hormonal human at that! After 1 yr dating... would anyone trust their boyfriends to go grind it up at the club!?

You're 24 Nidorino, aren't you as well very hormonal... 21 to 24 it's not much of an age difference you know?

I know he's not gonna fuck anyone, or blow anyone or do anything w sex. But he might let a guy steal a kiss, especially when drunk!

If you know all that already, well you really have no worries to have, and yes people kiss each other when drunk, but if you know that even drunk he won't do any of those, I believe you just dramatize a little

Also, the point of going to a gay club for him is flirting and dancing w guys... he told me so... and the flirting and grinding bugs me, and it would bother me even if I was 100% sure that he wouldn't even have a single drink and he would not let anyone touch him other than to dance. Why? Cause its grinding, its dry humping really.

My husband flirts with anyone he finds attractive nidorino, it's just a game, I trust that he will not go as far as doing the act without telling me. Dancing is also just dancing and yes it's normal to grind a little, try not to cut the fun of your couple and sometimes it's so good to be separated and do your own things, profit of the occasion to go visit YOUR friends instead of staying home and flashing yourself all kind of scenario. You're only 24, although I understand you love him, you're both young and healthy and living happens NOW not at 75 years old when neither of you can have a steady erection. If I didn't trust Alex I would have NEVER EVER asked him to marry me.

My story with Alex sounds like a fairy tales, but trust me it wasn't always blue sky and dove flying up the sky.

 

[bigsal]

When you love is normal to be jealous.

Being possessive is negative.

If your teenager is going to betray you, can do it anywhere, not just in Canada.

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

My story with Alex sounds like a fairy tales, but trust me it wasn't always blue sky and dove flying up the sky.

From Alex

My husband and I have broke up 4 times in six years, each of them of a period of 3 months or more... and don't forget who he is, he's a former porn performer, ex strip dancer, and escort and he owns a studio filming people who have sex in front of the camera. Most of his friends are former or actual porn stars, all more beautiful than one another. He had so much more sex compared to me it did annoyed me in the past. I might be a cutie, but he has options...I leave him tomorrow, I sure can have sex on the side but so can he (if not more than I do). TRUST is the only things that kept us together all these years. I'm the youngest in our couple, but at my age he was extremely slutty, I was just a normal randy teenager.

It's true that we are in an open relationship, but neither of us for the last three years have been even trying or thinking of having sex without each other being present (even with my cousin Tommy).

Just wanted to add my version of it

Alex:heart:

 

[nidorino]

Unless you have some kind of understanding between you that you are committed to being faithful to one another, you have no claim whatsoever on what he does when he's away from you from an extended time.

Ok, I my bad! I thought it was given that calling him my boyfriend implied a monogamous relationship. Yes, it is a spoken agreement, that we are in a committed, monogamous relationship. This is not my convincing him, its what he wanted all along.

Spot on Josh!... He's told you his plans for while he's away... have you told him yours?

Yes! To go to work!!! Make no mistake... would I suggest doing the same thing he would have a shit fit! He's just as jealous as I am.

and LOL at the Canada comments. Granted, I know Canada men are gorgeous , but the point is not that, its that he is going away, hes gonna be far. It would be the same situation were he going to France, England, Burkina Faso, or Florida.

Absolutely correct. The issue here isn't where he goes or what he does, it's whether you trust him and whether he is trustworthy. That's what you two should be discussing.

Wait, I dont get it! If what he does doesn't matter... why is trust even needed? Sounds more like not caring rather than trusting...

I guess I am just a little more old-school than most ppl here. Do I believe in 1 love/sex partner for your entire life? Absolutely not. But I do believe in monogamy for the time you are in a relationship (id be open to a 3-some w the right person after a longer period of time), and that by showing restraint and not kissing other guys (obviously we all want to, regardless of age) the moment he looks away I am showing someone I am in a commited relationship with respect. Respect for his feelings. Because even though some of you are cool w your man macking on other guys, I'm sure most ppl are not. They might deal with it, yes, but they are not apathetic to it. You guys probably dont mean that though, and I am missing the point (as ussual lol)

Dancing is also just dancing and yes it's normal to grind a little, try not to cut the fun of your couple and sometimes it's so good to be separated and do your own things, profit of the occasion to go visit YOUR friends instead of staying home and flashing yourself all kind of scenario.

Ok! This DOES make sense. Thank you jaketoronto2004 (Both of you) for your extended feedback! I appreciate your point of view.


In the end I do think I get what most of you guys mean: its out of my hands, and when it comes to it he is gonna do whatever he wants. All I can do is trust him, right? I think this is what Urban means. I really wish I wasnt so jealous... or had such a vivid imagination! hahaha
regardless, thank you all very much for sharing your point of view!

 

[josh_the_hot_boy]

Trust him until he gives you a reason not to.

 

[ritsuka]

Yes, you are being unreasonable; you're also inviting him to lie to you in order to keep the peace but then go out dancing anyway. And if he has to lie and sneak around to do some innocent dancing, then why not cheat on you since the deception and bad blood are already there? You can't control everything your partner does.

 

[VinceSF]

and LOL at the Canada comments. Granted, I know Canada men are gorgeous , but the point is not that, its that he is going away, hes gonna be far. It would be the same situation were he going to France, England, Burkina Faso, or Florida.

Hehe, send him over to San Fran and I'll keep him out of trouble!

Second Canadians don't play around too much, I have see the scene and knows very well how it works, however here's a band aid for you, younger gays don't hang out at the bars or clubs too much, whether you are in Montreal or Toronto. The age median of gays going in clubs are 25 - 35, therefore not completely in you're boyfriend's color plate unless he likes older gentlemen. Younger gays will hang out in straight club and mixes with the masses mostly because they're getting hit on too much. If your BF goes in a club in Toronto or Montreal in either gay villages he'll be highly dissapointed because he won't find much gays of his age there. And in both cities, if he goes in gay clubs that accept women when it's not ladies night, trust me he may dance and have fun but there's not much material there for him to flirt. Canada isn't California, the gay population is spread across the country and doesn't have like in San Francisco a contingent of young gays hanging out at the same place... we do have a city that is exclusively gay in Quebec's city region, however I won't give you the name here LOL.

I actually didn't know about Canada's situation. But also, in the gay clubs at the Castro [gay] district depending on which days it attracts straight females and males dancing too. I find it more people go there because booze is cheaper and usually no or little cover charge.

 

[nidorino]

Yes, you are being unreasonable; you're also inviting him to lie to you in order to keep the peace but then go out dancing anyway. And if he has to lie and sneak around to do some innocent dancing, then why not cheat on you since the deception and bad blood are already there? You can't control everything your partner does.

Oh really? Thanks for the insight man. How long have u and ur bf been toghether? Do you ever get jealous? How do you deal with it?

Barça, hahaha we went to San Fran a couple months ago! He was 20 so even if i tried i couldnt get him in trouble back then hahahaha. Maybe i should send him again and have u spy for me:devil: lolol
PS: Barça is the best football squad. Fact.

 

[VinceSF]

Barça, hahaha we went to San Fran a couple months ago! He was 20 so even if i tried i couldnt get him in trouble back then hahahaha. Maybe i should send him again and have u spy for me:devil: lolol

PS: Barça is the best football squad. Fact.

Hehe, I know about the age restriction. It's the only reason why my younger brother didn't enjoy Vegas. lol

Damn right! I should know since I'm Catalan.

OT:

An El Clasico Final? iVisca Barça!

BAYERN MUNICH vs REAL MADRID
BARCELONA vs CHELSEA

 

[Urban]

In the end I do think I get what most of you guys mean: its out of my hands, and when it comes to it he is gonna do whatever he wants. All I can do is trust him, right? I think this is what Urban means.

No, actually that's NOT what I meant. I meant that a relationship not based on trust is a doomed relationship. And I don't just mean that you trust each other; I also mean that you are both worthy of trust.

So "It's out of my hands" and "He is gonna do whatever he wants" are statements that sound to me like "I don't trust him" and "He is not trustworthy." That brings us back to exactly what several of us said before: despite what it sounds like you're saying, the real problem between you is that the trust does not exist. If you're serious about your relationship, that's the matter you need to deal with.

It's very interesting that you would say: "Do I believe in 1 love/sex partner for your entire life? Absolutely not." I do, and I think some other people here do too. IMO this is not a statement that someone in a serious relationship would make.

I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you, but honestly, I think you both should step back and take a look at what's going on between you.

 

[josh_the_hot_boy]

I agree I think trust is the real issue here sugar coated by this Canada trip.

 

[ritsuka]

Oh really? Thanks for the insight man. How long have u and ur bf been toghether? Do you ever get jealous? How do you deal with it?

For four years now we've been together, and no, I don't get jealous. It just isn't in me to be so and he doesn't have other boyfriends so there is no reason. But I've seen gay relationships ruined by irrational, baseless, bitchy jealousy and it's really sad.