I'm turning 39 in October.

[josh_the_hot_boy]

I have crippling depression and anxiety plus I'm autistic which has lead to extreme loneliness. I have work friends but I wouldn't call them super close friends. I don't have anyone I hangout with outside of work really. I go to work then I go home then back to work. I tend to get really clingy and overwhelming around new people I meet. Outside of a club or a bar which is SUPER hard for me to go to solo I don't know how or where to meet people make friends. Having Asperger's I don't do well in social settings. I don't know how to act (I was gonna say normal but you are who you are) in a way that doesn't scare people off or weird them out. I want friends I can relate to and vice versa. I've been gay and out of the closet almost all of my life but I've never really had friendships. I don't have experience in almost anything and I feel like people don't want to be a tour guide to someone of my age. I mean IF someone does invite me out I'll go but that's the thing I'll do things but I need someone to grab my hand and pull me in to the group (and not just out of pity). I need people to show me the world (relatively speaking). I try to believe that there's a lot more life to live past 40 but it's hard because I worry that the years after 40 are gonna be the same as the ones that came before that I'm just gonna be sitting at home watching the world go by till 50 hits then 60 then the end is here before you know it but again I'm awkward in unfamiliar social settings and I can't understand social cues. Someone could be giving me that look or talking to me at a club like they wanna pound me into the next millennium and I wouldn't know it. Either I can't say anything at all or I can't shut up. I've had sex twice in my life. I've never been on a date or in a relationship. I feel like it's impossible for me not to come off as desperate. I talk to someone online and I feel this need to just tell them everything all at once. I get so lonely that I start to cry (as I kinda am right now). I feel like I'm a miserable wreck and that nobody wants to hangout with someone who's miserable but I'm only miserable because I'm so lonely. I do see a therapist but I feel like they can't really relate not being in the same boat. Plus being gay it's not the same. I'm an extroverted person that needs to be out amongst the world but I don't wanna do things alone. I feel like it's a problem I have to solve but yet I don't feel like I have the tools to solve it. I think constantly that I'm stuck in this endless roundabout. I wanna feel like that people want to hangout with me and not just include me because they feel bad. I'm worried that I'm just going to have gotten to the end of the road either having dragged myself to the end just surviving and going through the motions for the next 40-50 years (or however long life makes me suffer through till the end comes) like the last 20 years or that I'll eventually do the irreversible which scares me a lot. I'm so sad while I'm alive but death scares the crap out of me. I feel like I'm forced to suffer because I know that's not the right thing to do but I don't know how to keep on going and not have it be more of the same nothingness. I just don't wanna be alone anymore. It makes me so sad. I don't know how to climb out of this hole.

 

[Shelter]

Hi Josh_the_hot_boy
For a long time, I thought about how I could respond to your cry for help. You are desperately looking for someone with whom you can share your worries and desires – but are unable to find yourself because of your autism. I can well imagine that autism is a very difficult starting point to face another person Open. But the mere fact that you have done it here in this "cry for help" also shows that you have the appropriate emotion to communicate yourself to others. And if someone invites you to a party or a bar, accept it gratefully and don't see it as an expression of pity. You are not better or worse, not smarter or dumber than everyone else – but you are different. Honestly confide in the person you like. And if this person likes you for the person you are, then the first step has already been taken for you. But you also have to work on yourself and try to overcome your compulsions. Why don't you just try therapy? Because from your text, I read that you really want to be seen and be recognized as a full-fledged human being. And because you are calling yourself "a hot boy" - you sure will be seen as a "hot boy". Be brave and try to overcome your inner demons.

Love
Shelter

 

[josh_the_hot_boy]

Hi Josh_the_hot_boy
For a long time, I thought about how I could respond to your cry for help. You are desperately looking for someone with whom you can share your worries and desires – but are unable to find yourself because of your autism. I can well imagine that autism is a very difficult starting point to face another person Open. But the mere fact that you have done it here in this "cry for help" also shows that you have the appropriate emotion to communicate yourself to others. And if someone invites you to a party or a bar, accept it gratefully and don't see it as an expression of pity. You are not better or worse, not smarter or dumber than everyone else – but you are different. Honestly confide in the person you like. And if this person likes you for the person you are, then the first step has already been taken for you. But you also have to work on yourself and try to overcome your compulsions. Why don't you just try therapy? Because from your text, I read that you really want to be seen and be recognized as a full-fledged human being. And because you are calling yourself "a hot boy" - you sure will be seen as a "hot boy". Be brave and try to overcome your inner demons.

Love
Shelter

Thank you. I appreciate it.

 

[dudophile]

Hi, Josh,

I don't know where you live, but there must be some support groups that are around. You're hardly the only person who has feelings like that. Try to find one in your area, online and if they have a number, call them. I might seem a bit scary, at first, but you obviously want to meet others to strike up a friendship with. There must be some Asperger's groups around and even if there isn't any in your area, you can still reach out to them, like you're doing here. You can even call a psychiatric or psychology group and ask about some type of groups like that. I'm sure that they can give you some advice. Best of luck. I hope that you find what you're looking for. You're not alone, even when you feel like you are.

 

[Spectre]

this thread reminds me of what a great community GH is