Should I be angry?

[taurus2904]

Today was my parents' anniversary. Not a "milestone" one -- as in, divisible by five -- but I still think 46 years is something to celebrate. Especially so since neither of them is working full-time nor are they fully retired. Oh the joys of the failed American economy and its social non-security program...but I digress.

A little back-story might help you help me. I live 28 miles from them, but it is a minimum 45 minute drive one-way. My brother -- I know you've heard me speak of him before -- lives 3 miles from my parents. My parents haven't seen their granddaughter since Christmas; that's five and a half months ago. They've only seen their grandson twice in the same time period...one of those being a sudden "Here watch the kid we have to go somewhere" favors. My brother and his wife, the children's mother, have been married 18 years.

Here's my pissy problem: My brother, his wife, and their children did not visit today...they did not even mail a card. I did email my brother last week to remind him. (Calling him is an exercise in futility and the frustration of ignored voice mails.) My brother and his wife talk a lot about "family values" but they don't walk the walk, as the saying goes. My brother has a very good job and they're always taking vacations/trips...but can't drive 3 miles or buy a card and postage?! Granted, my brother did call about 7pm and talked for about 10 minutes. I spent the afternoon with my parents, took a nice Hallmark card, a restaurant gift card (which was a bit more than I could actually budget) and some decent steaks for grilling.

Should I be angry with my brother and his family?
Should I confront them?
Should I just let it go and accept that he's a jerk who cares more for appearances to his neighbors/acquaintances/employer/church than putting in the work needed to be part of a family?

 

[Fredric13]

What can you do?

I've had similar problems with my older brother. I don't know what your relationship is like or what you would like it to be, but if it's strained, confrontation will only make things worse. If your parents are upset and have said something, the best you can do is support them. Whatever is causing this rift is between them and there is little you can say or do to change it and being angry is only sapping your strength.

After my mom had a series of micro-strokes, her personality changed. She divorced my father and as she was blind and had end stage kidney failure, my sister and I became her caretakers. I moved 800 miles back to my home town and gave my sister $30,000 to buy the house my mom lived in to keep her there. Until her death three years later, we did everything we could to keep her comfortable.

My brother had disowned her and would not let her see her granddaughter. I was angry and it hurt to see how he was treating her. I tried talking to him, but we never had a very good relationship (for reasons...).

My point is, your brother is an adult, your parents are adults and the problem is between them. Enjoy and build the relationship you have with your parents and don't let what your brother and his family is doing detract from that.

Hope it helps, funny, but even in this you are not alone.

 

[taurus2904]

Thanks, Fredric13. I am sorry to hear about your mother and your bad relationship with your brother. I suppose every family has degrees of dysfunction, as you point out.

The thing about my brother, though, is he only behaves this way towards family. I think my parents have said something to him in the past, but it apparently did not sink in. As you point out, his problems are his own and he'll have to live with those consequences. I just hate seeing how it hurts our parents.

 

[topdog]

I agree with Fredric13. The question I have though is this: What does any of this have to do with you?

You have a relationship that you enjoy with your parents. Your brother and his wife have the relationship that they want. If your parents want to be closer to your brother and the grandkids that's something they have to take up with him. (You never mention whether they want anything more than the status quo.)

I think the big question here is why does this matter so much to you (which it obviously does)? There is a huge reservoir of resentment here and it doesn't have anything to do with anniversary gifts. Today's events have just tapped into this underground pool. If you can find the source, then you might be able to find a way to slowly relieve the pressure.

But whatever the source, the immediate situation is the same. You don't get to set the anniversary etiquette rules for the family. I'm sure you don't want your brother imposing his values on you - he deserves the same respect from you as another adult. Parent - child relationships are complicated. Sibling relationships are also complicated. You've got to stop keeping score or you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

[Tjerk12]

I agree with Fredric13.

But whatever the source, the immediate situation is the same. You don't get to set the anniversary etiquette rules for the family. I'm sure you don't want your brother imposing his values on you - he deserves the same respect from you as another adult. Parent - child relationships are complicated. Sibling relationships are also complicated. You've got to stop keeping score or you're going to drive yourself crazy.

I agree with you Topdog.
My sister and I had a very good relation with our parents. When my father passed away we both telephoned my mother every day and visited her at least twice a week. Still I am sure she felt lost and lonely, because she missed my father so much. There are moments that life becomes difficult. You can try to help, but it never works out 100%

 

[Roderick]

Should I be angry with my brother and his family?
Should I confront them?
Should I just let it go and accept that he's a jerk who cares more for appearances to his neighbors/acquaintances/employer/church than putting in the work needed to be part of a family?

Feel free to be angry with your brother as he does deserve your animosity but do not state your feelings in front of your parents. I am certain that their disappiontment in your brother's behaviour far exceeds yours.

Your brother will be just who he is should you confront him or not. It is not worth upsetting yourself and your other famliy members. He is too old to change and obviously does not have the same feelings toward your parents that you have. Accept (or in your case ignore) him as he is and move on with your life. He obviously is not worth a thought if he cannot bother to think about his own parents.

One needs to know what one can change and what one cannot change.

 

[gb2000ie]

I'm not sure it's wise to waste your energy being angry at your brother - it sounds like he's a self-absorbed prick from your description, but so are many people. Like it or not you have to live with your family, so it's best to try to keep things amicable. Perhaps drop a subtle hint, or have a quiet word, but I really wouldn't get angry at him - just imagine how awkward a big feud would make ever birth, death, or marriage for the next few decades!

B.

 

[surfer]

Great advice guys, it's really not worth getting too worked up over. Taurus you were the dutiful son, and in the long run that's what matters, you can't and shouldn't try to be your Brothers keeper (although it is very Taurean of you). My parents are gone, and I can look back and be happy with myself, and that's what is important. One day you nrother might look back with regret, but you won't change his mind or behaviour, so let it go.

 

[Casanova]

Oh dear lord, I feel for you.

Ok, so let's summarize what your parents had done for your brother? They brought him into the world; fed him when he was hungry; spent hours awake at night when he was crying; mended his wounds; brought him up possibly to the best of their abilities; cost for school fees, and don't get me started on the teenage years ....

So to answer your question... Yes! You should be angry! I'd be freaking livid, especially seeing that your brother has his own children and should know what his parents went through to raise children. Ugh

But you know what.. don't waste your energy on him.. what goes around comes around. When both him and his wife are celebrating milestones, and their children are uninterested in their wellbeing, they'd know the feeling.

/end rant lol