For gay men what does it mean to "grow up"??

[carlos45]

I am a 45-year-old, single gay male, out for almost 25 years. I have a college degree and I work a full-time job. I often wonder what it means for we gay men who don't have responsibilities to children and are not in relationships. I sometimes think we have to make it up as we go along. Any thoughts??

 

[hawtsean]

The expression "growing up" is colloquial and might mean different things to different cultures or generations. I feel that growing up indicates a level of maturity that speaks of accountability for one's words and actions; an acceptance of oneself and one's abilities and limitations, and an emotional balance that allows one to manage their lives in all aspects.

I don't feel that having an LTR or family necessarily grows a person up, to apply that phrase. I've met lots of men who are well past 30 and still behave like moronic teenagers of 14 or 15 - stubborn beyond reason, wanting their own way regardless of conseqences, etc. etc.

Conversely, I have had the pleasure of interacting with some 18 and 19 yr olds who are wise and matured way beyond their years. Much of growing up has to do with how one was parented. Just as the phrase "abused kids may grow up to be abusers themselves" is relatively true, equally true is that young guys who are raised by (a) mature and balanced parent(s) grow up quickly to be mature and sensible men themselves.

 

[topdog]

Well, for another point of view, far from having a prolonged adolescence, I was somehow catapulted from my 20's directly into the problems usually associated with being 70 or 80: I nursed my beloved partner and many close friends through deteriorating illness and death. The chosen family I had built around myself was devastated.

In addition, we had to come to grips with the fact that most people didn't really care that we were being killed off. We were not going to be taken care of by family and government. We had to build our own safety net; our own support organizations; and lobby for the most basic rights. While many of our heteo contemporaries were dealing with new babies and first homes, we were fighting to stay in existence.

I don't mean to be a big downer, but if adult responsibilities seem to be far away - may God continue to bless you. Please treasure your years centered on love, career, and hope for the future.

 

[carlos45]

Well, for another point of view, far from having a prolonged adolescence, I was somehow catapulted from my 20's directly into the problems usually associated with being 70 or 80: I nursed my beloved partner and many close friends through deteriorating illness and death. The chosen family I had built around myself was devastated.

In addition, we had to come to grips with the fact that most people didn't really care that we were being killed off. We were not going to be taken care of by family and government. We had to build our own safety net; our own support organizations; and lobby for the most basic rights. While many of our heteo contemporaries were dealing with new babies and first homes, we were fighting to stay in existence.

I don't mean to be a big downer, but if adult responsibilities seem to be far away - may God continue to bless you. Please treasure your years centered on love, career, and hope for the future.

You are not being a downer, I appreciate your perspective on the question I posed.

 

[hawtsean]

I don't mean to be a big downer, but if adult responsibilities seem to be far away - may God continue to bless you. Please treasure your years centered on love, career, and hope for the future.

Topdog, my heart goes out to you. I have suffered the loss of parents due to cancer, but not that of a partner. While parents are close, a partner is even closer. Your post was not a downer, but a reality check. Indeed, caring for a loved with with a terminal illness does a great deal of 'growing up' for young men caught up in that sequence of life.

 

[ritsuka]

It isn't necessarily unique to gay males to not get married and have children in their early 20's--thankfully lots of straight folks are starting to do this as well, and I think it is really healthy and allows people to discover more about themselves and develop as opposed to just blindly repeating the life and lifestyle of their parents. Many GLBT people lived through a very troubled childhood and adolescence; if they don't have everything in their lives put together well immediately afterwards, I don't think they should be blamed so much. Being forced into unnecessary, difficult situations doesn't mean that you automatically 'grow up,' sometimes you just go down.

 

[hawtsean]

It isn't necessarily unique to gay males to not get married and have children in their early 20's--thankfully lots of straight folks are starting to do this as well, and I think it is really healthy and allows people to discover more about themselves and develop as opposed to just blindly repeating the life and lifestyle of their parents.

On this we are in total agreement. While stressful, life-altering situations can drive some people down and out - in general the guys who survive want to survive at some subconscious level, i.e. they want to thrive and feel some modi of personal achievement rather than allowing the cirstances of life to roll over and crush them. Although I wish for no one to ever suffer the loss and emotional upheaval described in earlier postings here, I hold to the belief that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger".

 

[ruhairy]

I hold to the belief that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger".

Ditto

 

[JonnyFantastico]

I don't think there is any set way; gay or straight to show or own some maturity. I noticed that you said that whereas our straight counterparts get married and have children, we may not have those same liberties... but since when does becoming a parent or a spouse show a level of maturity? An idiotic person can do both of those things (and sadly, I know quite a few) and never really be "grown up".

I also kind of disagree with the whole basis of having a stable parent. I know a few people (including myself) that sort of have their parental figures be anything but of a mature nature (my mother wasn't as horrible, but there are certain areas with her that definitely weren't good to follow after) and yet, still turn out to be some of the most mature and stable people of all. I think it comes from how we view the world, how we want the world to view us and the personal steps and experiences we take on our way of life.

Perhaps I'm slightly jaded; I've experienced a few things in my life that sort of forced me to take a much more realistic view of the world: I've been molested more than once (no, this is not a sob story point. I've dealt with this long ago, my friends; so don't worry), used for sex, have had close friends turn their back on me, had closer friends and family members die of some horrible things and quite a few other events that lifted the rose-colored glasses of immaturity from my eyes. But in a small sense, I do love the sillier and less serious side of myself: I love pop music, I love laughing at stupid little jokes and I probably watch way too many things I have no business watching as a 29-year-old man ("America's Next Top Model"... F*CK YES! :rofl.

I think "growing up" is something we all do differently and there's no right or wrong way to do so. You don't need to be a parent, a spouse, have a "serious" job, etc. to be one and in truth, some people never do. It's all about how you experience and view life that makes us who we are; not what everyone else seems to think we should be or have.

 

[ritsuka]

While stressful, life-altering situations can drive some people down and out - in general the guys who survive want to survive at some subconscious level, i.e. they want to thrive and feel some modi of personal achievement rather than allowing the cirstances of life to roll over and crush them. Although I wish for no one to ever suffer the loss and emotional upheaval described in earlier postings here, I hold to the belief that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger".

I don't precisely agree with you on that. I think the degree of how someone is adversely affected by what happens to them is largely determined by countervailing influences--if they have good support, if a child is being abused but also has just one person around who sympathizes and is truly kind to them, etc. There is also the wider society to think of--if they happen to live at a time and place when there is a social safety net to help them, or they live in one when right wing politicians have taken that away or prevented it, and thus those elements that would have helped someone with determination find what they want out of life are not present for them. Anyway, in the emotional reality I live in and have observed in many other people, sometimes things don't make you stronger, but weaker, worse. I think this view inspires more activism to change things and protect people, as opposed to the other one which is more inclined towards personal affirmation and motivation.

 

[hawtsean]

I don't precisely agree with you on that. I think the degree of how someone is adversely affected by what happens to them is largely determined by countervailing influences.............. I think this view inspires more activism to change things and protect people, as opposed to the other one which is more inclined towards personal affirmation and motivation.

And that could equally be true. Perhaps my statement regarding "wanting to survive at some subconscious level" could be construed as including the reaching out for support from any person or group. Whatever works, works. But I accept your premise as valid. However, the end result or final impact upon a person of any happenstance is not always an inevitable thing. I believe that each human has the power to affect what changes them in various ways.