What should I do? I need some advice...

[theseeker]

This is something I just posted up on Reddit, but I thought I'd ask the same question here as well:

So I'm from Singapore, currently going through my second year in college. Since earlier this year, I've realized and started to accept that I'm gay. As it stands now, the local government doesn't give a crap about us LGBT folk (gay sex is illegal here, although it's supposedly just "symbolic"), the society here is generally too conservative (because Asia) to be openly gay or show any forms of homosexual PDA. Most parents - mine included, from what I've heard from them - basically can't accept their children being gay, attributes it to improper upbringing and/or bad influence. There are some sort of a gay community/scene here, however minute, and while I've never really been in a relationship before (straight or gay), from what I've heard from a close friend, relationships are extremely uncommon here........either due to societal pressures, or most are just looking for hookups anyway.

So what I'm asking is, what should I do then? I've talked to some guys from on Reddit, and their best advice would be to move to somewhere more LGBT-friendly. But where would be the best place? US? Canada? And how do I go about doing that exactly? It isn't exactly that easy to up and leave somewhere that I've been living in for my entire life, and move to somewhere completely foreign..... and not to mention other stuff such as citizenship and employment. I've heard of stuff such as LGBT countries accepting LGBT refugees that are seeking asylum, but I doubt the situation here is dire/fatal enough that I'd be seen as such. And has anyone been through this before? Is there anyone out there in a similar situation that can give advice to this? Is there a course of action that I should start taking now?

 

[james1981]

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. It sounds like you will have some tough choices, but it also sounds like you are good at thinking them through so I'm sure you'll arrive at a good decision.

Moving to another country would obviously be a big change. I'm not an expert on immigration so if you are seriously considering moving to another country, you should really talk to an expert in that area (beware of scams that charge a lot of money, though).

There's many countries out there that support LGBT rights so if you are considering moving, think about what is important to you. For example, climate, arts and culture, employment opportunities, and so on may help you narrow your search (e.g. don't move to a northern country if you don't like cold). Once you've considered a few countries, check out their immigration website, which will tell you about who is eligible and what steps you need to go through. You may want to consider visiting the embassy or consulate of the country you are thinking of moving to; many will likely have an office in Singapore. I think you're right that for most countries you would not be considered a refugee, as there are usually very stringent conditions applied to this class of immigrant. Many counties are looking for immigrants with employable skills (even better if you have a job lined up). Again, each country will have different requirements.

My limited understanding is that the immigration process can take a long time... sometimes months, sometimes years. You could consider getting a work visa in a country so that you can move there to work, as you go through the process to get citizenship.

Another option you may want to consider is doing a student exchange since you said you're currently in college. While this wouldn't be a permanent move, it would give you a good idea what it's like to live somewhere else to see if this is a move you really want to make. It can also help establish some good contacts and networks for you. Check with your college to see if they offer any programs.

I've written all that with the assumption that you are looking to move, but you may decide to stay where you are currently. Hopefully some of that is helpful.

 

[dargelos]

If you do make the big move you have certain things in your favour, a good personality and a highly articulate use of the English language, that goes a long way towards finding a job. I must warn you though not to underestimate how stressful it is to leave the past behind and start a new life. If you landed in London you would find friends and fun easily, there's a big Asian community, what you wouldn't find is an affordable room, rents are extortionate.
What I want to suggest is; try to make contact with another gay boy in a similar situation as a possible travel companion, not as a potential boyfriend. Travelling is safer when you can take care of each other and sharing things saves money.
Asylum seeker status is something you have little chance of being granted, Singapore is not an easy place to be gay in but there are countries that are much much worse.
It sounds like you are going to think this through properly and not make any hasty mistakes, you do have time on your side.

 

[brmstn69]

If finances are a priority and your thinking of coming to the US, I suggest you steer clear of places like New York city, Chicago, or L.A. Instead try someplace like Atlanta, which has a great gay scene, very low cost of living, the area has a good sized Asian community, and with the ever increasing Asian economy, there are many job opportunities in companies there for those with language skills..

 

[iltman]

thank you for posting this, we in the west sometimes forget that even in countries like singapore LGBT people are under enormous pressure, as for your own cirstances the advise given above os very sensible, as a young intelligent man if you are at university a student exchange programme is a sensible choice, most western countries will prioritse young educated people with particular skills as well so if you like the country you're visiting have a look at their immigration requirements. As for which country how about Canada? decent weather, decent people and Vancouver is a lovely city with a large and vibrant Asian culture

 

[theseeker]

If you landed in London you would find friends and fun easily, there's a big Asian community, what you wouldn't find is an affordable room, rents are extortionate.

Instead try someplace like Atlanta, which has a great gay scene, very low cost of living, the area has a good sized Asian community, and with the ever increasing Asian economy, there are many job opportunities in companies there for those with language skills..

I know you guys are probably suggesting that because it'll make me feel comfortable in wherever I'd be going, living in communities that would be closer to home, and I guess I do agree on that to a certain extent........ But would it be bad to stay elsewhere from those communities? How prominent would stuff like racism appear to someone like me? And forgive me for being ignorant, but I have this idea that most people living in such communities would still be rather traditional and conservative, which as you know is probably one of the key reasons why I want to leave Singapore. Also, I kinda don't get why I should move to a different country, with a different culture/society, just to live in a community that is not so different from where I left off from.... (when in Rome, do as Romans do, right?)

Also, I generally find white guys hotter than asian guys...BUT that's not the point! .................or maybe?

 

[dargelos]

A subtle point you are making here. It seems resonable to assume that the many people who move away from countries like Indonesia, Malaysia or Singapore aren't coming to the west in search of the higher crime, worse food, high cost of living or insecure jobs that they will find here. Don't you think that many of them will be starting a new life in order to escape the stuffy conformity of their old countries.
There are racists anywhere, bearing in mind that racism is based on ignorance, you will find the worst predudice in areas with a racial monoculture. You would not want to live in those areas anyway. The type of city with an interesting gay life tend to be the most multicultural ones. These areas are not attractive to the narrow minded. The part of Newcastle me and my husband live in is highly mixed race and unpredudiced, I can't recommend it though because there aren't any jobs.

 

[havocs]

My suggestion is that you come up with an 'exit strategy'. You plan out what it is you want to accomplish while you are attending school/college and still living with your parents. Start doing research on area that are more tolerant and look up support groups there. You are going to have to keep this all to yourself as it is hard to know who to trust and since the penalty is harsh it is important for you to put yourself as a priority. Keep relying on forums like this one for support and ride it out. Hopefully you can find areas near you that are more tolerant and you don't have to move far, but if you have to see it as a life decision for better opportunity and a challenge to better yourself. Keep positive!

 

[brmstn69]

I know you guys are probably suggesting that because it'll make me feel comfortable in wherever I'd be going, living in communities that would be closer to home, and I guess I do agree on that to a certain extent........ But would it be bad to stay elsewhere from those communities? How prominent would stuff like racism appear to someone like me? And forgive me for being ignorant, but I have this idea that most people living in such communities would still be rather traditional and conservative, which as you know is probably one of the key reasons why I want to leave Singapore. Also, I kinda don't get why I should move to a different country, with a different culture/society, just to live in a community that is not so different from where I left off from.... (when in Rome, do as Romans do, right?)

Also, I generally find white guys hotter than asian guys...BUT that's not the point! .................or maybe?

I actually added the the part about Atlanta having a large Asian community as an after thought to point out that although it's in the South, an area known for being home to bigots and racist, Atlanta is a very open, progressive, and tolerant oasis on par with the likes of N.Y.C. and L.A. There's something for everyone there. And unlike N.Y.C. or L.A., a decent apartment will only cost about $500 or $600 a month compared to $2000 for a closet elsewhere...

Of coarse you could always come to my town in Indiana. There's still job opportunities (we have quite a few international companies home offices here, and language skills are always needed), two universities (USI and U of E) a very low cost of living, and not much else... We do have a small gay community and to be honest, I've never seen an Asian in any of the gay bars or cruising spots which would make you a hot commodity around here...

 

[topdog]

The thought of losing family and friends, either by rejection or by moving away, can be terrifying. But you have been brave enough to tell yourself the truth, and have already made some other gay friends, so you should acknowledge the great steps you have taken in just a few months.

Now - and this is just my opinion from far away - let me ask, is moving away what you really want? Sure, leave Singapore if you feel like you are physically threatened by staying there. However, I don't think that is what you are describing.

Should you tell family and friends that you are gay? Only you can weigh the advantages and disadvantages. And as I said above - your personal safety should priority #1.

However, the risk of rejection by friends and family is a separate issue. You have several choices here:

1. Hide who you really are from the people you love the most. In that case you have to ask what good is having that love if you have to pretend to be someone else in order to get it?
   .
2. Trust the people you love by sharing the new things you have realized about yourself. Do not filter yourself to meet their preconceived expectations. Their reaction is out of your control - it is up to them. You want them to accept you as you are; so too you have to accept their reaction - good or bad. However - know this: their first reaction will not stay the same. It will change over time, and almost always in a positive direction. This is because they love you and because you will continue to be honest and respectful to them.
   .
3. Avoid the issue. Pretend it doesn't exist. Run away. See your family less and less. But you can see here that making no decision, is really making a decision and setting a course for your future of avoiding hard decisions.

I am not meaning to push you in any direction, just take some time to think through what your actions now say about who you are and who you intend to to be.

I also want to disagree with your friends who say that gay relationships are uncommon in Singapore. Rather, I think you might be somewhat isolated from the larger gay community there. Search wikipedia for "List of LGBT organisations in Singapore". (If it is filtered out, let me know and I will post some of them here.) You will find social, political, sports, and other gatherings of gay people.

I know Singapore is feeling a conservative backlash at the moment. But, just for some perspective, it is not the dismal state of affairs that Russian or Jamaican gays face (for example) where law and society dehumanize gay people and encourage violence.

A big difference is that Singapore prizes it's status as an international city of business and travel. It does not want to isolate itself from the rest of the world. Because of this it feels the influence of human rights advances in Europe, North and South America, and even Asian countries like Japan and Thailand. Gay Singapore citizens continue to stand up for basic rights that are being recognized elsewhere.

However, as you say, there is a very conservative feeling among the population regarding homosexuality. That is what is causing the current friction. However, there are two interesting things I have seen over the years (from afar - I am in the USA).

• First, it wasn't always like this. The whole anti-homosexuality campaign only dates back post-World War 2. So this isn't as deeply embedded in native culture as it may first appear.
• .
• Second, Singapore is changing. Already the backlash has generated a pro-gay backlash of its own. Gay political groups rally for support, rather than hide. Some churches are speaking out and accepting gay people and do not want to be counted among the the bigoted congregations. Gays used to be hounded from government service jobs, but that has stopped. Even the court case today affirming Section 377A was less of a moral judgement and more of an attempt to pass the responsibility for changing the law back over to the legislators.

I think my point is that though things look miserable today, the ice is definitely melting and that gay-friendly trend is irreversible as long as Singapore remains an international hub of commerce and people.

Back to your personal situation, stay safe but also see if you can find a friend or a loving sibling that you can trust with the truth about who you are. You don't have to tell the world - but see if you can get at least one more person inside you circle of trust. It is definitely not easy to be a visible gay person in Singapore. But it is possible. I say that because there are gay people doing that right now, like Kenneth Chee and Gary Lim pictured below.

 

[theseeker]

Thanks topdog for your response, I really appreciate it. But:

Search wikipedia for "List of LGBT organisations in Singapore". (If it is filtered out, let me know and I will post some of them here.) You will find social, political, sports, and other gatherings of gay people.

It's not that it's filtered out, but most of them are dead in the water, and others don't have any much of a tangible community/space to speak of. Everything's so.........underground and secretive. Though I did contact a small counseling center for LGBT people, so hopefully there's something to that. Also registered in some local dating site, but I'm not sure where that leads to.......... :worried:

I think my point is that though things look miserable today, the ice is definitely melting and that gay-friendly trend is irreversible as long as Singapore remains an international hub of commerce and people.

I know....... things WILL get better eventually. But when? 5 years? 10 years? 50 years? Or even beyond my lifetime? So what do I do in the meantime?? Even the US, one of the leaders in advocating LGBT rights, is still currently fighting for equal rights and marriage in some remaining states (and there's still quite big minority against all that)..... so how long do you think will that sort of acceptance reach here?

Back to your personal situation, stay safe but also see if you can find a friend or a loving sibling that you can trust with the truth about who you are. You don't have to tell the world - but see if you can get at least one more person inside you circle of trust.

I guess I'm still trying.... I honestly don't have a lot of friends (much less friends that I could trust), and I seriously doubt that I can trust my siblings either (my brother still makes gay jokes and stuff like that, for example). I'm trying to find ways to widen my social circle too, but I pretty much suck at socializing, and efforts to find places where gay people like me can meet up and stuff has so far turned up nothing........ It's like fighting a war on two fronts!

It is definitely not easy to be a visible gay person in Singapore. But it is possible. I say that because there are gay people doing that right now, like Kenneth Chee and Gary Lim pictured below.

I suppose anything's possible if you're brave and strong enough. But I'm not. I feel like I'm truly alone in this fight, there isn't anyone here that could or will support me when things get ugly.............I've felt that many times when I was a kid (albeit not from homophobia), and I really, REALLY do not want to go through that again.