Feel like baggage-no offence.

[Fredric13]

Messed up for the first time in years. Shouldn't post when pissed. I am in so much physical pain on a daily basis, I just want to die. Good thing I'm a coward. I can't let on, so many people depend on me and that's the only thing that keeps me going. Not asking for sympathy. Just needed to put it out there...

 

[garth33]

hey man - we're here to help as much as we can. what's going on? sounds like you've got a lot of irons in the fire...PLUS the LAST THING we need around here is MORE BAGGAGE (where's my rimshot when I need it)

sorry Fred - couldn't resist but seriously happy to listen if you're willing to share.

g33

 

[Sinnerr]

If you have psychical pain because you're closeted, so just go out from closet - it helps a lot. I have my own cool experience. Just do what you want and not what await others or what say conventions.

 

[HettoreConti]

Oh, honey... How ironic. Yesterday was the "Suicide Prevention" day. I don't know what you're going through, and really, I don't know if I'd be of much use to you or anyone, but if you or anyone need to vent out to someone, I'm just one PM away.

It'll be between us. You can trust me. And if you don't feel confortable with the idea, then that's fine too. You need to endure this pain, papi. I can tell you're a strong, valuable individual. Don't let your demons take the best in you. You may not believe it or realize it, but many of us here in the forum look up to you. You are a fantastic man.

Don't leave this wretched world just yet... *HUGS*

 

[Fredric13]

Thanks so much for reaching out. The pain is real, physical. I should share publicly, while I can--my defenses low as inebriated as I am at the time being.

I've had a number of back surgeries, the last for problems in my upper back. I can no longer feel my hands. I've had to resort as of late to walking with a cane. The pain is getting incredibly worse on a daily basis. At work I put on a brave face, but I'm a somewhat public figure. The moment I show weakness, I will be tossed aside so I avoid pain killers as much as possible. The only solution, more cutting, more time laid up, more time dependent on others.

I see how people look at me, who do see what I am going through. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I take care of others. I just don't know how long...but I don't want to disappoint those who look up to me.

Our pain is all relative. We cannot truly know what others go through. And clearly there are those who have it much worse, but I am reaching a breaking point.

Again, thanks to those reaching out. I write as a record so even if I don't find an answer--someone might,

 

[richym]

Wow Fredric, sounds like things are tough. I hope and pray that the pain in your back starts to lessen. I hope you have people around you that you can be open with and share with. Who are there to support you, not just you always having to support them.

 

[ihno]

Can't you do some other therapy? I have a skoliosis, which enforces migrane etc. There are manual therapies that really make it better for me, maybe some could at least help you a bit?

 

[Fredric13]

Unfortunately, the implant they gave me for a spinal fusion triggered uncontrolled bone growth that is crushing the nerves coming out of my spinal column. Major surgery is the only way they can attempt to fix it. Problem is there's a 50/50 chance they paralyze me from the neck down.

 

[garth33]

wow very sorry Fred - that is a very scary choice. I don't blame you for second guessing things...REALLY there must be some other guys or experts who might have some other options....HANG IN THERE...we'll see if there are answers and until then - keep thinking positive at least. At least try - that's really important.

g

 

[bigsal]

It is good that you have shared with us this ordeal, and I thank you.

I dare not even imagine how you are suffering.

I can only tell you that you are close, if this can help.

 

[Fredric13]

I cannot tell you how much your support has meant. I stand at the edge and every day is a struggle.

 

[peter123]

wow very sorry Fred - that is a very scary choice. I don't blame you for second guessing things...REALLY there must be some other guys or experts who might have some other options....HANG IN THERE...we'll see if there are answers and until then - keep thinking positive at least. At least try - that's really important.

g

Yes please try this. For the meantime it may help that you know we are near^^

 

[richym]

I hope day by day you can find the strength to keep going, and know that there are people who are willing to stand beside you. Life throws many terrible things at us, and we should never have to go through things alone.

 

[XMan101]

You'll always find support here, Fredric. We have some fantastic members on this forum

Good luck to you, I'm hoping all goes well, and you'll always have friends here .

 

[Fredric13]

Again thanks for the support. It's one of the few things that keeps me hanging on. One of the things that worries me is what the constant pain is doing to my thought processes. Asside from constant thoughts of suicide, I'm having to force interaction with people around me in such a way they don't know what's going on. I just wish I could break down with someone.

 

[Whisper]

Keeping up the "brave face" is exhausting, especially when the pain is taking over everything else. The pain takes the life of its own. I know how it feels like when your own body turns against you (walking with cane at this age and the way I like to dress, people stare so rudely) and when the future look uncertain, no wonder you are so worried.

You don't know me, but if you ever need someone to talk with, just send me a pm. Don't let the pain win, you are not alone *hugs tightly*