I don't want to be gay..

[octass]

First of all I dont wanna offend anyone on here I have to say. I am fully convinced that I am gay and attracted to other guys. I am 21 and will finish mechanical engineering in 1 year and start to do my job. I have a quite understanding family to everything (except I didn't tell them I am gay. I don't know what will their reactions be like. I don't think that they will kick me away or so but they will be dissapointed indeed. ) I have some good friends but they're all straight. My straight-acting half is quite loveble and people like him mostly. He has a good family and lives in a good city. I say "he" because it is just not my whole personality. I am jealous of my handsome and straight friends all the time. I can't stop thinking that they are a lot luckier then me. they will have a wife and have kids. they don't have to live in misery like me . they just don't know how lucky they are.
so it is just , I want to take some air in this life. sometimes it gets so deppressing. Like I said I don't hate gayness or gay people. I know I am one myself. But I just find it difficult. Especially considering that I live in a quite conservative country. Being fully open is not an option for me. Acting straight all my life is not an option too. I just want to like girls and I feel like all of my problems will be solved. I am so confused and desperate. So I wrote on here to see if maybe there are other guys that feel or used to feel like this .

 

[turkeyman]

I know the feeling only tooooo well. Gay and always have been. Not out to family or friends. I guess I spend most of my time on the WEB and try not to think of the world outside that I am missing. I envy all the guys that are out their straight or gay that know what they want and get it.

:?

 

[jw4833]

Dude: Let me start off by saying that I for one had the same feelings as you have now. What you need to understand is that I don't know no one who wants to be GAY. Who wants to be GAY when society ridicules you for loving another human being of the same sex. (Unless you are a celebrity, then it tends to be applauded) It's not like you are killing anyone, it's your personal preference. Being GAY is something that is just a part of you, it's part of your being. For many years, I was in total denial of the feelings that I was having for guys, even when I was dating women. In fact, I had even pulled away from guys who had came on to me at that time while deep down inside of me, I was so turned on. What you need to do is accept the fact that your attraction for men is not going to go away, this will always be a part of you no matter how long you try to make attempts to suppress them. I also had a lot of straight friends who got married and I wasn't. However, there are a few that I did eventually "came out" to who were actually cool with it because they like the guy I was, not whom I slept with behind closed doors.

I even know a few guys just like you who were in denial about their sexuality and was afraid to confront their true feelings that eventually got married and raised a family. However, the gay side did come out many times and they preceded to have down-low relations with guys behind their wives back which resulted in them coming to terms with their sexuality. However, they have ruined the lives of their wives because they felt betrayed and cheated on.

The bottom line is this, I will not advise you to come out because this is something that you will have to do on your own terms. However, I do feel that you are not being honest with yourself at the moment and you are in total denial which is part of the norm. Unfortunately, as I stated earlier, these feelings are not going away. You are only fooling yourself. Once you embrace your sexuality as well as being accepting of the individual that you are, the last thing that you are going to be concerned about is whether your straight friends are going to cool with you or not. I feel if they have issues with you being gay, then it's possible that they are not your friends in the first place. I have straight friends who are well aware of my sexual orientation and because I respect them, they respect me as well.

 

[topdog]

Octass, it seems like there is a piece of the story that is not completely coming across (or I am missing it). You are envious of your straight friends... why, exactly? Can you elaborate a little more on that?

You say that they are lucky that they get to have a wife and kids. But the thought that comes to mind is that there is nothing stopping you from having kids in the future, if you want them. And you can raise them with the male love-of-your-life, whoever that may turn out to be.

And as for a wife - you don't really want a wife, do you?

I am not criticizing - I'm just not grasping what part of the traditional picture you find attractive, but outside of your reach.

In the absence of additional information, I am guessing that maybe it feels like the straight path is easy and the gay path comes at a high personal cost? (I don't want to put words in your mouth, so please help me get on track here.)

...Who wants to be GAY when society ridicules you for loving another human being of the same sex. (Unless you are a celebrity, then it tends to be applauded)...

Who are you thinking of here? Because to me it seems that most public figures are loath to disclose a homosexual orientation, until their personal lives are dragged into the spotlight and they have to say something one way or the other. (And even then, most lie for as long as they think they can get away with it.)

But that's just my perspective. What do you see happening, celebrity-wise?

 

[gb2000ie]

For better or worse, we are who we are. We don't get to decide to be tall or short, or blond or brown haired, or smooth or hairy, or gay or straight or bi. You gotta make the most of what God/Evolution gave you.

It's very draining to live a lie. I had no idea how true that was until I came out and that weight was suddenly lifted off my shoulders. I suffered a lot with depression while I was living a lie, but that completely vanished when I came out. If you're already starting to buckle under the weight of the lie at 21, I think you're going to have no choice but to come out, for your own sake.

You don't mention what country you live in, so I have no idea if it's a matter of prejudice or a matter of death for you to come out. If you're in a country like Iran, clearly coming out is just not an option if you'd like to live. I grew up in catholic rural Ireland, which certainly ranked high on the conservative scale, so I didn't come out till I was in college. Generally universities are more accepting places, ahead of the rest of the country. If you're living in a country that would literally kill you for being gay, then I think you need to give serious consideration to emigration.

what ever you do, good luck, hang in there, and hopefully places like this can give you some solace.

B.

 

[jw4833]

Octass, it seems like there is a piece of the story that is not completely coming across (or I am missing it). You are envious of your straight friends... why, exactly? Can you elaborate a little more on that?

You say that they are lucky that they get to have a wife and kids. But the thought that comes to mind is that there is nothing stopping you from having kids in the future, if you want them. And you can raise them with the male love-of-your-life, whoever that may turn out to be.

And as for a wife - you don't really want a wife, do you?

I am not criticizing - I'm just not grasping what part of the traditional picture you find attractive, but outside of your reach.

In the absence of additional information, I am guessing that maybe it feels like the straight path is easy and the gay path comes at a high personal cost? (I don't want to put words in your mouth, so please help me get on track here.)



Who are you thinking of here? Because to me it seems that most public figures are loath to disclose a homosexual orientation, until their personal lives are dragged into the spotlight and they have to say something one way or the other. (And even then, most lie for as long as they think they can get away with it.)

But that's just my perspective. What do you see happening, celebrity-wise?

You are correct to some degree with your analogy, but what I mean when I say that there are some celebrity gays that do get applauded such as Ellen, Rosie O'Donnell used to a lot when she had her old talk show and gave away great gifts just like Ellen. I mean, look how society was with Ricky Martin with their speculating before he actually came out, and now it's as if it's welcomed by society because of his celebrity status where as an everyday gay person have to face certain ridicule of being offended for accepting their sexual orientation. In my opinion, whenever a celebrity comes out of the closet, it appears as if the majority of society has welcomed it with acceptance. I remember when Ellen came out on Oprah and yes, there was criticism to say the least, however, that all changed when she got her talk show. Yes, there are a lot of closeted gay celebrities who will not come out because they are afraid it will hurt their career. However, this is just my perspective and the way I see it from my point of view...:thumbs up:

 

[etilit]

gay..not gay...its your choice if you think about it lol

all i can do is say..have a wonderful life octass

 

[luke.rhineheart]

I think you are not alone. As with many other things, it is just easier to conform with the social norm. Being straight would lead to a lot less hassle, less religious doubts if you are religious, less doubts on whether you want to spend your life with someone, less doubts if you're planning to have kids, less old aunts asking you whenever are you going to marry, etc.. I've talked with a lot of my gay friends on this, and they all feel pretty much the same. Now that I am older, I'm happy with who I am. I'm in a long term relationship with the man that I love. However, it would have been simpler if we weren't gay... I tend to think of this a lot when we're considering adopting a child (this is now my 30's midlife crisis writing). I still think on why the hell I'm half closeted (my close friends and direct family know, coworkers, acquaintances and distant family don't)

 

[Otage]

There are lot of minus things to being gay in this society but thats the societys problem. If felt like I don't wanna be gay sometime in the past, but honestly now if I could choose, I'd choose to be gay.
People have to accept themselves and not get stuck in that "what if I wasn't gay" or "why me" bullshit. We are who we are and we can choose to be miserable or try to make the best of it. Sometimes its good to be sad and stuff but life is how you see it. You gotta do in live what you like to do and if you currently can, then try to figure out how could you. If your country is not open to gays at all, move.
I've moved. Miss my family but I can always visit. Friends, I hava more now. Best part is that I have now done my best and took my chance.

 

[blast27]

Octass, you sound like a good person, and being good is important. We must never feel guilty for being who we are, even if we choose to keep who are to ourselves.

 

[richym]

Hey Octass,
It is hard to be something deep inside and to live a life as someone else. There is always that longing to be the true person that you are. I know, because that is the life that you lead. But the important thing for you I think is to stop and reflect on who you are, and accept who you are. If you are gay, then great, be that person. I know it is hard to live like that in some countries, for so many of us we are lucky with the freedoms that we have. Whoever you are, accept yourself and love yourself. It doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight, you are the same person.

 

[ericdhunk]

Change is always possible.

 

[michel21]

Change is always possible.

QFT.

I dont think we are slaves of our own feelings. But even if we were, let's say we can't sometimes decide what we feel, but we always decide what we do.
This is trully freedom.
How many times you really really want something... and when you get, you realize that it is not as much as you thought when you did not have it yet?
Sometimes you need to let it go. You don't need to put so much pressure on it. Above all, you are just a human being, just do your best.
You seek for advices, but you can only find your truth in your heart, mind and soul (never in your penis).
Be happy!

 

[garth33]

QFT.

I dont think we are slaves of our own feelings. But even if we were, let's say we can't sometimes decide what we feel, but we always decide what we do.
This is trully freedom.
How many times you really really want something... and when you get, you realize that it is not as much as you thought when you did not have it yet?
Sometimes you need to let it go. You don't need to put so much pressure on it. Above all, you are just a human being, just do your best.
You seek for advices, but you can only find your truth in your heart, mind and soul (never in your penis).
Be happy!

Nicely said michel! - just don't leave out the penis
g33

 

[octass]

thanks for all the replies and nice advices guys. it feels great to know that you are not alone. I started to think that I am a little young to give up on life completely. There is a future that I want to be in another country when I get yo earn money. anyways life is unpredictable so I try to be like the way I am .

 

[bigsal]

Dear Octass,
my situation is the same as yours, with the difference when I have many more years than you.
I tried to suppress my be trying to lead a "normal" life, with no results.
I was almost married a girl I loved.
The only result is a miserable existence, and choked full of lies.
Accept advice. You are still young. Live your life without hiding. Sometimes the parents, if they really love their children, they can also surprise. Unlike selfish and are only disappointed because they wanted to plan your future.
I hope you will find your peace of mind (which unfortunately is not me).

 

[gb2000ie]

anyways life is unpredictable so I try to be like the way I am .

It sure is that!

When I was a depressed teenager feeling hopeless about a life excluded from society, I had no idea that a decade later, I'd be able to walk down the street hand in hand with my boyfriend, and that no one would bat an eye-lid.

Times change, and sometimes faster than you could ever predict or even dream.

Hang in there!

B.

 

[hind]

You will be fine, I was the same, I found a discussion group, Gay & Lesbian, I talked to similar people who were begining too. I would recommend a meeting group that discusses coming-out. You can just listen too! & come to terms with this at a your own pace. You may even meet a cute guy there!

 

[Dendood]

I recommend you go to YouTube and search "It gets better."

 

[lftj]

It can be tough to feel different when there is so much pressure to be part of the "mainstream".

However, even the LGBT community can put unnecessary pressure on people to "be themselves" before many of us even really knew who "ourselves" actually were.

Your sexuality is only one aspect of who you are are as person. Too many gay people allow their sexuality to become the defining aspect of themselves. I have seen guys come out and instantly turn into a stereotype.

I have great respect for the LGBT people who fought for the legalization of same sex relationships. I have less respect for LGBT people who have strange prejudices against the straight community. Gay people are only people after all; and come with all the usual human baggage (hypocrisy, jealousy, prejudice, etc.). It must be remembered that all of us as human beings, gay or straight, are fighting our internal battles with ourselves. It is the human condition.