Please help

[Vwitten40]

Hi guys. Im sorry in advance for this but thank you for taking a look.

I dont really have anyone i can go to for help in my life. That im not paying to ... which makes me feel even worst.

Im about to turn 25 this month. And i have just been feeling exhausted. I suffer from depression but the past few weeks have been very hard. I realize i have no one in my life ..its not by choice. I try and be social and live but i tend to offend ppl by speaking my mind. For me it was really hard growing up and owning my voice. Im not rude but i say what i think/feel and i like to discuss poiny of views with ppl.but its like initial contact with ppl ... they like me and want to spend time with me.but once they start noticing that every day is a struggle for me ppl tend to run. Dont get me wrong. Im not the kind to spill my gut out as i am doing rn. But i always go out of my way to make day better because its something i wish someone would do for me. I help ppl and pretty much treat individuals with kindness. But i have no respect for ppl who take stuff for granted. I have had to work my ass off for every thing.this is a bit or jealousy talking but no one has ever gone out their way for me. I have learbed to carry my weight but thats the problem when im low as i am now. I have no one. I told a coworker ..me and him are kind of close i guess (?) That every day i literally fight to get out of bed and shower. I dont sleep more then 3 hours or 5 on a good day. The time im up i spend reading about work or watching webinars or doing more work. But idk what happened to me ... when i lost contact with my partying friends i realized i didnt have anyone.
I talk to my coworker about this guy lets call him vinnie... this is sad but i claim him as my bf because we have known eachother since i was 18. We lived together for a year but in that year he only let me give him a bj twice. I havent seen him in a year because he moved to vegas. But vinnie never has time to come see me because of work. I work 12 hours everyday maybe more on some days 6 days a week. And if he calls me i drop everything because i feel .... . Wanted. I have been helping vinnie out with money since i was 18. About 1k every month now but before ... lets jist say i have given him over 100k. Alot of it was money my grandpa left me when he died. Ive never told anyone this.
But now i help him with 1k every 2 weeks because i feel bad for him and i dont wantvto think hes struggling to eat.
We have never had sex. I am a virgin. Im almost 25 it makes me cry when i think about it but when i ask him to make me his. He always finds an excuse for why we should wait. Vinnie knows my life story he knows me better then my therapist tbh. But at this point its obvious he doesnt care about me just about the money i give him. Are ppl really that cruel? If i met someone like me i wouldnt even think of hurting them or taking advantage of them. Is that what vinnie is doing?

He lives with his gf right now.... shes a cam girl.and when we lived together he left on a trip to brazil with a older gay guy tat he says is like a older brother. But one day i was using his cell and he got texts from a "girl" named bekki saying she couldnt lend him money to fix his car because of their vacation but she couldnt wait for his dick because it feels soo good in his ass. I read previous texts and it was obvious this was a guy. I recognized the number too. I confronted him but he turned it on me. Saying if he calls and its a girll to get the fuck out his place. He never called. Snuck away when i was cryimg and when he came back it was a different number saved and no msgs.
I asked him today if he would finally have sex with me on monday since hes coming. Im buying his planr ticket and hotel room but hes coming to see his dentist and doctor. Yeah i know not to see me but is it bad that its better then nothing? Anyways he said no to calm down he hasnt seen me in over a year that we have to take it slow.
Can anyone bless me with life experience please. I dont want to be alone... what if he does like me but hes scared and im exaggerating little stuff that dont mean anything. Why doesbt he want to have sex with me. To me his perfection when hes being nice. I want to sleep and never wake up kus i cant be strong anymore whats the point.

 

[ihno]

You should really stop giving him money. From what you tell it's obvious that he using you for money and I guess only for that. After you stopped alimenting him he'll most likely quit the contact and you'll never hear from him again, which is a good thing.

And then you should try to find your "middle" and unpressure yourself. Relax and let things fall. If you're 25 and never had sex it's not a "failure", it's life and you're not alone with that. Don't be ashamed for anything. The less pressure you put on yourself the easier and better the things will work. People will notice and potential friends will keep in contact.

I know that's all easily said. Get professional help. You need someone to talk to and someone who helps you find a direction. Call the suicide hotline if you feel really bad. I'm sure they can help you to find help.

 

[slimjim]

From what you say it looks like this "Vinnie" is just a leech, all he wants (and is getting) is money and from the text you read not just yours. Why is he asking someone else for cash to get his car fixed I when the money you are sending should be more than enough???

I wholeheartedly agree with what ihno has said - Stop giving him any money and stop all contact, although once you stop sending cash I'm guessing after a few attempts to get you to change your mind he will stop calling anyway. And get some professional help, you will be able to afford it if you keep all your own money. And what about a fresh start somewhere else - remove yourself from all reminders of unhappier times and get new surroundings, new friends, new horizons?

 

[haiducii]

Find hobbies, you can keep trying to find friends, but if you do something that occupies your time and fills your day, its so much better than the odds of you making a new friend.

I know it's hard, but there are so many people in this world, and believe it or not, there's thousands of people you can relate to. Keep your head up. And remember: better be alone than in bad company!

 

[slimjim]

Find hobbies, you can keep trying to find friends, but if you do something that occupies your time and fills your day, its so much better than the odds of you making a new friend.

Choose well and you can combine the two - find a "non-solitary" hobby - depending on your interests join a walking or cycling group; an art class; gym; sports club; foreign language school etc......

As others have said (and it is much easier to say it): Firstly ditch this guy and keep positive. Look to, and make plans for, a brighter happier you and a brighter happier future
......................................

Late edit: If you do decide to try some new interests/sports/hobbies etc, or re-kindle those you already have then it makes sense to look for a gay or gay friendly cycling/walking club/gym etc

 

[gorgik9]

I just want to vouch for, that the advices given by ihno, slimjim and haiducii are serious and sound! I couldn't have given better advice myself.

 

[topdog]

That really sucks to feel like you are all alone and can't connect. I think we have all been there to some extent and can relate a bit. And those of us that deal with depression recognize what feels like a life sentence with no options and no way out. Hope does exist - but when you are depressed it's impossible to see.

But you aren't just lying there and taking it - you have a therapist - good for you! Because you are like a car stuck in the mud - you need some people to come and help pull you out so you can get going again. Your therapist is one. We are here to listen and give advice - not that we are right about anything, but it's our way of letting you know that we hear you and want things to get better. What about family? Anyone on your side?

Let me just say one thing about "speaking my mind" and sharing your point of view. Generally this is a good thing. But a key skill to work on is getting the right combination of saying what you feel and asking the other person how they feel and what they think. Sometimes when we share our opinion the words we choose can sound like we are shutting off all other conversation or points of view, rather than inviting people to have their own opinions. Its like the difference between preaching and sharing. Here's a tip - when you "share" your opinion, keep in mind that when you finish your point you are going to ask the other person what they think. That will help you choose your words in a way that will allow the other person to feel that what they think is equally important.

Now, about Vinnie.

I asked him today if he would finally have sex with me on monday since hes coming. Im buying his planr ticket and hotel room but hes coming to see his dentist and doctor. Yeah i know not to see me but is it bad that its better then nothing?

You are paying for him to come and you have to beg for sex? First of all, he's taking your money so he's kind of a whore. And a whore who won't have sex with you is the worst kind. Seriously, do you know how much sex you could be having for the money you are paying him? You could probably hire your favorite porn star for a day for the money you are paying him.

I know, that's not what you are looking for. I am being rude and cheeky. But just trying to put this in perspective. If you are willing to pay out that kind of money, then dude, you could be sleeping with anybody. For $100k you could have probably booked all of One Direction for a week. And had quite a story to tell.

But, let's be frank about Vinne, and to quote the current cliche: he's just not that in to you. A wise person once told me: "Sometimes the glass slipper just doesn't fit". You are not what he wants. Don't ask why - it doesn't matter. Don't complain that it's not fair - love never is. The heart wants what it wants and we can't make it do something different. That goes for everybody - even Vinnie.

You have to let him go. Stop with the money. Let him have his life. It's time for you to start yours. Chalk it up to a learning experience. Vinnie was a seminar in love and what does and does not work. You just got your diploma. Own it; don't beat yourself up over it; it's time to move on to people who really love you. That's what you want.

And what Inho, Slimjim, and Haiducii have said is exactly right - there is love and friends out there for you. You know that. You just can't see the hope part now because you are depressed. We know. Depression does that and it sucks. That's why we are here to remind you that hope and love really is there, just beyond this corner that you can't yet see around. Keep going - you're heading the right way.

Warning - love is ahead :heart: - TC

 

[Otage]

Stop giving him money. Everyboy likes to help friends (those who are worth it), but everyone has to see when it's time to stop. He's a leech, or you are a enabler.

Don't waist your time on some one who isn't worth it. There is no reason to bang ones head on a brick wall.

No wonder you feel low, if you work that much and sleep so little. You need smth else in your life too than work. Get your every day life straight, your other areas of life. And if you can send someone so much money, maybe you can relax from work a bit?

And stop begging for sex. People who are straight or in closet or all the 'maybe' cases, it's just waist of time. Find some one from bar/internet/other place, go with no pressure, get to know people, and some one right comes when he comes. You can't just be anxious about not being in your goal, you need to enjoy the journey, give it it's time, learn.

25 and virgin is no biggie, I've been with many like that. It's actually quite common. And what I've heard, often people get super crushed on their first, and only later realise how blind and stupid they have been, since that guy turned out to be total dick. Loosing your virginity or crushing means nothing. Most important is to get to know some one, give him time, build a trust, and build a good sex life. And that virginity thing is easily done with todays grindr's or what nots if it bothers you so much. Get it over with. It may not be pleasent, but you will learn smth

What I read: No sleep, just work and focusing on problems instead of solutions and positive aspects, doesn't sound good. Problems and negative things tells you what you wanna solve, where you wanna be, so you have to set small steps on how to get there. You need other things on your life than just work. I mean what would boyfriend solve if you only work? What would you do? If you get fixated on the idea that bf is somekind of magic pill that will fix everything, well it isn't. Your problems will just harm the love and relationship. Fix your things first, let go of bad circles and stop doing the same things over an over, and wishing for different solution(like givning money etc.).

With time all is possible. Don't rush, life is not a race. Every thing has it's positive sides, everything tells something to you. I trust that a hard worker like you can solve your problems if you get a good night sleep and put your mind on how to really achieve your goals. :thumbs up: I mean you don't solve problems at work with just focusing and worrying on the problem. You need to figure out what needs to be done and when.

 

[Jase]

There's been some really good advice given by others already...
So, I don't really think that I could add too much more to this thread advice wise; however, I've seen something very similar happen to a friend/co-worker of mine and it didn't end well.

He met a "confused" guy who was down on his luck and living in his truck. Just a few days later, he moved confused guy into his home and let him live there rent free, added him to his insurance, and spent almost every free penny he had on this guy. He also let my friend blow him as long as he stayed fully clothed and he didn't have to reciprocate. So, confused guy continued to live the pampered life for a little over a year and was constantly checking out and flirting any semi-attractive woman he met until our company was bought out. My friend/co-worked was part of the management that was laid off and when the gravy train ended. So, did the relationship and Mr. Confused left without saying much of anything.

As a result, my friend had to use most of his severance package to get caught up on bills that he was using the money to keep confused guy around. Now, he's loosing his house and having to move into an apartment. We all tried to open his eyes before it got to this point, but he just didn't want to see it until it was way too late.

Please don't let it get to this point and save yourself a lot of future heartache by trying to get out now. It may not seem like it, but it'll be easier now than waiting until later.

 

[W!nston]

To the advice already given I can only add this:

You mentioned "I don't sleep more than 3 hours or 5 on a good day." I'm quite a lot older than you and my whole life, since I was like 16, I've never slept more than 3 - 5 hours a night. It's not insomnia. It's just my normal cycle. There are many others like you and me who don't require 8 hours of sleep a night. So don't worry about it unless it is affecting you in a negative way. Feel lucky that you will only spend less than 25% of your life asleep instead of 33% like most people. That's a difference of, well, let's see here:

75 year life expectancy = 27,375 nights x 8 hours of sleep = 219,000 hours = 25 years of your life asleep

75 year life expectancy = 27,375 nights x 5 hours of sleep = 136,875 hours = 15.625 years of your life asleep

You will experience 10 more years of your life awake than the majority of people. Think of all that extra time.

Look on the bright side when ever you can. I'm sure there are millions who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

 

[Shelter]

W!nston that's brilliant! I think I have to reconsider my sleeping habits - and that at once! -

 

[lhardwick69]

try being 46 few extra pounds and no one wants you for bothe reasons anymore guys want a guy yng hung and skinny as a rail..i never was like that in my younger skinnier days but people these days can be so shallow its sad