Autism as a gay

[loretta]

I wonder if there are other autistic gays in here and how do you cope with that.

Me: ~ 60 years old, "high functioning autist" first diagnosed with "psych. behavior disorder" at the age of 4 because of problems in kindergarden and then therapy and therapy and....you know what I am talking about.
I live a "normal" live except that I do not have friends, I only have two persons that I care about and am able to have an emotional connection (Mother and my hubby).
Problem: physical contact I always had problems whith being touched - even my mother could not cuddle me. when I connected to a guy I could have sex and I did enjoy it very much, but only for a short amount of time, like 10 minutes or so. Now it is getting worse and my hubby is extremely frustrated - we are together since 2012 and instead of getting better our relationship is in danger.
Can anybody relate?
How do you deal with problems like these?



PS: I am german speaking so please excuse my bad english

 

[dargelos]

Before saying anything else, I have to say that I am not qualified by experience or training, I can only speak as the man in the street, in the hope that someone more knowledgeable will join in the discussion.
Your mother will always be your mother and she will always love you no matter what. But your man might not be your hubby for ever. Your task is to find a way to ensure that he does remain with you for ever. If you have the love of a good man, that is worth more than all the money in the world. My simple opinion, for what its worth, is that any price is a price worth paying, even if it means that you will be doing things that, at the moment, seem unbearable.
There is a system for making the unbearable seem bearable, known as desensitisation.
Suppose I am afraid of cats. In week one they will show me lots of photographs of cats. Week two; videos. Week three; real cats behind bulletproof glass. Week four ;cats in a wire cage. And so on the process goes until I am actually cuddling the cat in my hands. Adapt this "ladder of exposure" to your own problems about physical intimacy.
To do this sort of thing with a private therapist costs a lot of money, maybe more than you can afford. To improvise by using your hubby to help you is placing a lot of demands on him. Only you know him well enough to be able to predict what effect that would have on him. What I hope would happen is that he would see how seriously you are prepared to work at finding a way to save this relationship. It is easier for him to make a sacrifice if he can see you making a sacrifice at the same time.
To even discuss this problem is probably uncomfortable for you so its a good sign that you are ready to try, and even if none of us can make any useful suggestions, you have still achieved something by setting out your thoughts in a way that others can understand.

 

[loretta]

I wish

Thank you so much for your response

"There is a system for making the unbearable seem bearable, known as desensitisation.
Suppose I am afraid of cats. In week one they will show me lots of photographs of cats. Week two; videos. Week three; real cats behind bulletproof glass. Week four ;cats in a wire cage. And so on the process goes until I am actually cuddling the cat in my hands. Adapt this "ladder of exposure" to your own problems about physical intimacy.""
I think this works in case of phobia - sadly I do not have phobia, it is part of the autism complex - it is not only that, you see we moved together 4 years ago, but we still have seperate living and sleeping rooms because of my problems. It is very hard for him, sometimes I am in my room watching youtube and he just wants to sit on the couch and read a book or watch with me and I can not allow it because it is too much. It is extremely hard for him i think, because when I am in public I do not have these problems - strangers do not matter to me - I can sit for hours in a train with hundreds of people and do not care.

"To do this sort of thing with a private therapist costs a lot of money, maybe more than you can afford. To improvise by using your hubby to help you is placing a lot of demands on him. Only you know him well enough to be able to predict what effect that would have on him. What I hope would happen is that he would see how seriously you are prepared to work at finding a way to save this relationship."
I live in Germany, so therapy is free, but I was in "therapy" from childhood on, you can not cure autism. They tried to teach me how to play with other children - not interested, tried to teach me how to read expressions and emotions - not interested and so on. I am not unhappy in general - I do not miss friends or social activities.

" It is easier for him to make a sacrifice if he can see you making a sacrifice at the same time."
He sacrifices so much - how would you feel if your significant other locks you out of his rooms, reacts hysterical when you make things not the way I think they have to be done and only allows very quick sex?
I don't want to loose him, but it is better for him to leave I think sometimes.



Maybe it is for the best to listen to Szomorú Vasárnap and jump off a bridge.(just kidding)

 

[dargelos]

How would I feel?, I know how I would feel, when he was ill my boyfriend did all that to me and much more. It was a painful struggle but we never gave up and now we have won. You can win too, it will be painful too but the end justifies the means. It is worth it, I can tell you that because I have been there.

To lighten up a little; do you like porn loretta? Most GH members do or they wouldn't be here. Some porn is just fuck fuck fuck. That soon becomes boring for me. I want to see the boys showing affection for each other. Do you feel uncomfortable when you watch extended intimacy in a porno? or do you think "I wish I could do that" Now when you consider that some of those boys are straight, they will themselves be uncomfortable with gay sex. Even so, they look and sound as if they are happy and at ease with what they are doing because its a job. The rent is due and the car payment is due so they keep on smiling until they collect the cheque.

Now imagine yourself in that situation, you may never feel comfortable with extended intimacy but actors act. Gay actors pass themselves off as straight, straight actors pass themselves off as gay. That is not dishonesty, it is just doing what you need to do. When you were young they tried to teach you to act normal, whatever that is. It did not work because you did not at the time feel any need to make changes for anyone else's sake being content in your own skin. Now is different. Now you are not doing it for yourself, you are doing it for the sake of someone else, a man who is trying to love you. That, to me, is the strongest of incentives.